Patience ?

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Patience ?

Post  Avie on Sun Feb 01, 2009 10:49 am

Okay. So...
Here is my situation:

I met this girl online. Let's name her "Helen." After several days of communication, we meet in person over some coffee. Of course the first meeting was indifferent. Coincendently, we both have the "shy and nervous" trait. All in all, I like her.
Helen is in the closet. She is the type of person that is wayyy in her "shell" and in comparison, I'm the opposite.
She hasn't told me what she thinks of me yet but she did promise me she would. Earlier, she did say that this is a new type of situation for her. I understand all this because I have been there.
However, I feel so discouraged from not knowing what she thinks of me and I am beginning to think that I should be on my way. But I do really like her.
On another note, when we do talk, she always tosses one-worded responses and doesn't give much into the conversation. She did tell me that she didn't know how to act...

Okay, what I'm asking here is..... what should I do ? How can I get her "out of her shell ?"
I don't mind the fact that she is in the closet, we all come out at different times.
But how can I get her comfortable with me ?
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Re: Patience ?

Post  Skyangel on Sun Feb 01, 2009 11:18 am

Hi Avie,

My first response to this would be to say you have both jumped in at the deep end here a bit, and maybe she is scared rigid. It's much easier if you have had a lot of chat first with each other before you meet, that way when you do meet the conversation is much easier. I had a blind date with a girl once who only gave one word answers. It gave me the message that she didn't like me, and she was the only girl I never asked for a second date. I would mail this girl and be friendly as you were before the meet and see how she responds. If she starts making excuses not to mail then sh'e prob lost interest. As you were the one making all the effort, I would have thought you could point out to her that she seemed very quiet at the meet and ask her if anything was wrong. It maybe she just felt nervous about you being so open about being gay.

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Re: Patience ?

Post  Avie on Sun Feb 01, 2009 11:33 am

Skyangel wrote:Hi Avie,

My first response to this would be to say you have both jumped in at the deep end here a bit, and maybe she is scared rigid. It's much easier if you have had a lot of chat first with each other before you meet, that way when you do meet the conversation is much easier. I had a blind date with a girl once who only gave one word answers. It gave me the message that she didn't like me, and she was the only girl I never asked for a second date. I would mail this girl and be friendly as you were before the meet and see how she responds. If she starts making excuses not to mail then sh'e prob lost interest. As you were the one making all the effort, I would have thought you could point out to her that she seemed very quiet at the meet and ask her if anything was wrong. It maybe she just felt nervous about you being so open about being gay.

Here is the thing, this girl gives me one-worded replies and stuff but sometimes she opens up and WHAM, she goes back in her shell. And believe it or not, it was her idea to meet up, I was shocked. And now and then she suggests to meet up again. Maybe she bit off more than she could chew..>.<
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Re: Patience ?

Post  Skyangel on Sun Feb 01, 2009 11:44 am

It sounds promising then. I think you should just plan to do something together that is not so relationship focussed. Maybe decide on going to a movie together or a fufair,or something which will keep you both occupied and give you a chance to just relax without focussing directly on each others souls. Why not suggest she come out with you to go out taking ref pics for your story or something. Do you share any hobbies or sports interests etc.

I gotta go but I'll check back later.

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Re: Patience ?

Post  ReiDavidson on Sun Feb 01, 2009 11:55 am

Avie, also consider that not every date has to end with having a significant other! It's always better to establish a friendship first. No rule says you can't date for weeks or even months before "going steady" and no rule says you can't date more than one girl. There's no commitment present here.

I'd say give her more time, go on a few more dates, but don't glue yourself to her as if she's your only chance. There's lots of other girls out there that would find you fantastic, so go visit with them, too. Smile
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Re: Patience ?

Post  Avie on Sun Feb 01, 2009 12:13 pm

Skyangel wrote:It sounds promising then. I think you should just plan to do something together that is not so relationship focussed. Maybe decide on going to a movie together or a fufair,or something which will keep you both occupied and give you a chance to just relax without focussing directly on each others souls. Why not suggest she come out with you to go out taking ref pics for your story or something. Do you share any hobbies or sports interests etc.

I gotta go but I'll check back later.

This is very helpful, thank you ! I should just approach it in a different manner that isn't so "crucial."

ReiDavidson wrote:Avie, also consider that not every date has to end with having a significant other! It's always better to establish a friendship first. No rule says you can't date for weeks or even months before "going steady" and no rule says you can't date more than one girl. There's no commitment present here.

I'd say give her more time, go on a few more dates, but don't glue yourself to her as if she's your only chance. There's lots of other girls out there that would find you fantastic, so go visit with them, too. Smile

Good point ! Thank you, I'll keep this in mind !
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Re: Patience ?

Post  Ulrika on Mon Feb 02, 2009 1:20 pm

well, I am also a very shy person, and sometimes I act the same way, which is only caused by the stress, and many get the impression that I am not interessted, which is not true. so, from my perspective, you should give her more time, not all of the people are open at first, some just need time to trust and open up. Is she's so shy maybe first try to talk to her through the Internet, or just meet to do something together, not necessarily talk, like going to the cinema, concert or whatever, something what would make her get used to the 'new situation' and begin to feel comfortable with you around.

Good luck and don't lose the patience Smile
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Re: Patience ?

Post  greven on Mon Feb 02, 2009 2:57 pm

I think you should give her more time, the very fact that you said that she momentarily opens up isa good indikator that she does in fact like you.
Take things slow though, get some conversations going over MSN, it helps to write things that can sometimes be hard to talk about, I know the problem myself as I am completely unable to talk about feelings but writes about them with ease. It is easier to talk to someone over MSN because you have time to figure out how you want to say things, and you have the safety net of knowing that you can always just log off if things go a way you dont like.
So while it is more distant than a real life conversation, it is also more personal than a chatroom or mails. I think it is a good way to find comon interest and hobbies, and you actually get a pretty good picture of the person you are talking to.
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Re: Patience ?

Post  Avie on Mon Feb 02, 2009 3:57 pm

Ulrika wrote:well, I am also a very shy person, and sometimes I act the same way, which is only caused by the stress, and many get the impression that I am not interessted, which is not true. so, from my perspective, you should give her more time, not all of the people are open at first, some just need time to trust and open up. Is she's so shy maybe first try to talk to her through the Internet, or just meet to do something together, not necessarily talk, like going to the cinema, concert or whatever, something what would make her get used to the 'new situation' and begin to feel comfortable with you around.

Good luck and don't lose the patience Smile

I'm loving that idea of going to places that don't involve necessary conversation, because that seems to make her pretty nervous. Thank you for your input, much appreciated !
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Re: Patience ?

Post  Avie on Mon Feb 02, 2009 3:58 pm

greven wrote:I think you should give her more time, the very fact that you said that she momentarily opens up isa good indikator that she does in fact like you.
Take things slow though, get some conversations going over MSN, it helps to write things that can sometimes be hard to talk about, I know the problem myself as I am completely unable to talk about feelings but writes about them with ease. It is easier to talk to someone over MSN because you have time to figure out how you want to say things, and you have the safety net of knowing that you can always just log off if things go a way you dont like.
So while it is more distant than a real life conversation, it is also more personal than a chatroom or mails. I think it is a good way to find comon interest and hobbies, and you actually get a pretty good picture of the person you are talking to.

Good to know, thank you !!
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