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I can has feedback?

Post  greven on Thu Jun 25, 2009 7:13 am

I dont usually ask you girls for feedback but you are really the people most qualified to give any feedback on this thing, especially because I think I might actually make a book out of this thing. So give me a few words if you have the time.


It was a raining that day, relentlessly pouring down from the heavens, most of the people gathered around the grave had brought umbrellas, Jade hadn’t, neither had Jasmine. The priest was talking, he was doing his best to be polite and speak kind words, but both Jade and Jasmine could hear the undertones as the rain washed down upon them, the priest had never cared for Terry or his way of life, never had he spared a chance to tell him that what he did was against god’s will. A small stream of tears from Jasmines eyes went unnoticed by most, hidden by the pouring rain, only Jade saw them, putting her arm around her shoulders. Jade too was crying, but no one saw that, her tears hidden by her strong will, while she comforted the woman she loved and they buried the man they had loved.
“Are you okay sweetie?” Jade asked kissing Jasmines cheek gently, even at his grave they were received displeased stares.

“I am fine.” Jasmine lied; she alone could sense Jade’s hidden tears. “Don’t worry about it.” She said, resting her head on Jades shoulder. Rain poured over them as the funeral went on and the guest slowly left the cemetery, they all condoled Jasmine, but few even cast a second glance at Jade as they walked past.

“You girls okay?” a kind voice asked as the last guests had left the cemetery and the rain had slowly been reduced to a light shower.

“We are fine, Mark” Jade replied with a small smile, her arms around Jasmine to shield her from the cold.

“I told you, you should have brought an umbrella.” Mark said holding his own up to shield them from the rain and receiving thankful smiles in return. “Let’s get you home.” he said as he gently guided them towards his car. It was a Mercedes-Benz CLS550, his pride and joy, a coat of jet black on the outside and authentic black leather on the inside. According to himself he had been sawing up for it for over 6 years, he had taken Terry with him when he had bought it, just walked right up to the store manager with a smirk on his face: “I will take the CLS550” he had said.

“Very well sir. Do you wish to discuss a loan or some other method of payment?”

“That shouldn’t be necessary.” He said opening the briefcase he had been carrying and revealing its green content. “I believe this should suffice?” he had smirked before driving away in a brand new Mercedes only minutes later, the same car that Jade and Jasmine were now entering. Mark had already heated the car before he came to get them, so it was a pleasantly warm car they entered. They both got in on the back seat, and Mark took the wheel.

“You okay back there?” He asked looking over his shoulder, Jade was holding Jasmines hand, and they both smiled weakly to Mark. “Just stay strong, I will have you back home in a moment.” He said as he pulled out of the cemetery parking lot and drove down the road. Jasmine was worried about Mark as he drove silently through the streets of New York, normally he would have been rambling about engine sounds and suspension and everything else related to his beloved car, apparently Jade wasn’t the only one more shaken than they wanted to reveal.

“What about you Mark, are you holding up?” Jasmine asked concerned.

“I’m fine.” He said after a few seconds. “I miss him, but I can work it out.” Mark had known Terry since they had been kids; it was probably harder on him than he wanted to admit.

“You can come over and talk anytime you need to.” Jade said, sensing the same as Jade.

“Damn you two angles.” Mark said, secretly happy that the girls couldn’t see his tear-filled eyes. “I am supposed to comfort you, and not the other way around.” He said discreetly wiping away the tears as Jade and Jasmine smiled gently to him from the back seat, their fingers locked together as they drove through the streets of New York.


---------------------------------------------------------


“Are you sure you don’t want me to go up with you?” Mark asked Jade through the window, the rain had stopped and while the sky was still grey it showed signs of clearing up.

“It’s okay Mark, we’re fine.” She smiled through the open window. “Besides you have to get home and feed Dani don’t you?”
Mark sighed as he remembered the kitten that was probably tearing up his apartment as they spoke. “Yeah I guess I do, I really hate that cat you know, maybe I should just let it starve for a few hours?”

“You can’t trick me Mark, I know you love Dani.” Jade smiled as Jasmine came over to her, putting an arm around her shoulder.

“Yeah, I always did have a soft spot for grey fur.” Mark smiled at the sight of Jade and Jasmines intimacy. “Well I have to get going then don’t I? You two take care, and don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything okay?”
After being assured that they would call him if they needed something Mark pulled out on the road and drove off, leaving Jade and Jasmine alone on the sidewalk.

“He is a good friend.” Jasmine said as they turned and walked into the lobby of their condominium.

“Yeah” Jade agreed as the walked to the elevator in light embrace. “and he sure does love that kitten of his.” She added as they got in the elevator making them both giggle. They went up in silence as the low sound of the elevator music rolled over them and the elevator steadily climbed upwards.

“Ding!” it said as the elevator reached the 28 floor and the doors slid open. Jasmine and Jade walked in silence through the small hall and reached their door at the end of it. There were only 2 apartments on this floor, and the one they lived in was worth almost double that of the other, all because of the view. Jade unlocked the door and together they stepped into their large open living room. The entire side wall was all glass, revealing a glorious view over Central park and the reason for the big price tag.
They didn’t move, just went through the door and stood there: looking at the apartment the 3 of them had lived in for 5 years, and now they were only 2.

“I… I don’t know what to do.” Jade said looking down on her feet, finally letting her barriers down in the safety of her own home. “It all feels so empty without him.”

“I know.” Jasmine said squeezing her hand and gently pulling her into one of the sofas facing the large flat screen tv. “But at least we still have each other.” Jasmine smiled weakly to Jade trying to cheer her up.

“I know.” Jade said and leaned into Jasmines embrace, gently kissing her lips. They sat a bit like that, embracing each other in the sofa, each lost in her own thoughts of their lost love.

“I have something I need to tell you.” Jasmine whispered finally breaking the silence. There was something in her tone that made Jade hold her out in arms length.

“What is it love?” she asked gently.

“We…” Jasmine swallowed hard as the tears pressed against her eyes. “We were going to tell you at your birthday last Monday, but then…” a few tears ran down her chin and were quickly whipped away by Jades gentle hands.

“It’s all right love.” She said and kissed her on the cheek.

“Before he died… I am pregnant.” Jade looked Jasmine in the eyes and saw joy hidden under a mountain of guilt and fear. Fear of rejection, guilt of her joy. Jade pulled her into a hug, gently rocking her from side to side as the tears starts to flow freely. “it’s all right love.” She whispers as Jasmine slowly calms down. “it’s all right.”

“What are we going to do?” Jasmine sobbed. Jade kissed her gently.

“We are going to be mothers.” She smiled through the tears ”and Terry is going to live on in our child…” Jade gently touched Jasmines stomach and then gently touched her breast. “and our hearts.” The guilt and the fear faded from her eyes and in them now shun only joy and love.

“I love you so much.” Jasmine broke into tears of joy and once again fell around Jades neck in warm embrace.
That night they made love, for the first time since Terry had died, for the first time they felt alive again.
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greven

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Re: I can has feedback?

Post  Lunaris on Thu Jun 25, 2009 11:01 am

My, my...this is a sweet little tale, and a sad one as well. It has a lovely little structure and way of catching the attention of a reader. The characters are nice, almost believable, but they could use just a little work.

If nothing else, there is absolutely nothing in there to suggest what they look like. I could be seeing two dark-haired mourning lovers, a nun and a miko, or Cameron Diaz twins. The only thing I've done is applied Jasmine and Jade colors to their eyes in my mind to separate them.

I am particularly interested in the backstory. I want to know more about how they met, and what those five years were like. I want to know who Terry is. I want to know him as a person so I can mourn at his funeral too, instead of looking it over as a simple plot point.

Also, the surprise pregnancy at the end almost feels cliché to me...but I'll fully admit it's a cliché I personally love and adore in stories. It's the reason that some of the stories I list as my personal favorites are in that favorites list.

Otherwise, some insight into the character's themselves. They were touched upon, but I feel like Mark got more of the development thanks to the cat remarks. But who is Mark? Was he just a friend? Someone they invited into their lives from time to time?

You might also want to enlist a proofreader and spellchecker. Nothing too bad, but there were a few things I noticed (Like Jasmine being referred to as Jade).

Overall, I hope you keep up with this story. I want to see more. I want to see where it develops. And, damnit all, I want to shed some tears for their plight.

Suspect

Keep up the good work. The overall feel of the story is positive, no matter what you might think after reading the above. Those are just some points I would appreciate having clarified. You do good with conversation and mixing in little bits of history with the overall present story. Me so eager I love you long time.

Very Happy

Looking forward to more soon,
~Liz

[EDIT]Love the simple names, by the way. I didn't touch on that. A lot of people try to go for overly-elaborate exotic-sounding names. I really like it being kept simple.[/EDIT]
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Re: I can has feedback?

Post  greven on Thu Jun 25, 2009 2:53 pm

Okay since you went over my story and gave such good feedback I thought I would feedback your feedback.
Lunaris wrote:My, my...this is a sweet little tale, and a sad one as well. It has a lovely little structure and way of catching the attention of a reader. The characters are nice, almost believable, but they could use just a little work.
First off: Thanks Very Happy
The characters will get more work as I intend to make this story FAR longer than it is now, this is (as the story is in my mind now anyway) a small prelude, the main story taking place 6 months later.

Lunaris wrote:If nothing else, there is absolutely nothing in there to suggest what they look like. I could be seeing two dark-haired mourning lovers, a nun and a miko, or Cameron Diaz twins. The only thing I've done is applied Jasmine and Jade colors to their eyes in my mind to separate them.
I dont really think anything about looks when I write, dont care about it, but dont worry I will make sure to work it into the story, it needs to be in this first part of course, I shall do so in a few min.


Lunaris wrote:I am particularly interested in the backstory. I want to know more about how they met, and what those five years were like. I want to know who Terry is. I want to know him as a person so I can mourn at his funeral too, instead of looking it over as a simple plot point.
The backstory is a BIG part of the story, it will be revealed through stories about their time (like the one about Mark buying his car), comments and small slip of tongues, as well as some flashbacks if I can make them work. Not too fond of flashbacks.


Lunaris wrote:Also, the surprise pregnancy at the end almost feels cliché to me...but I'll fully admit it's a cliché I personally love and adore in stories. It's the reason that some of the stories I list as my personal favorites are in that favorites list.
Is it too cliché? it is just that due to some later plot points it needs to be revealed to Jade AFTER Terry's death. She cant be told while Terry was still alive.


Lunaris wrote:Otherwise, some insight into the character's themselves. They were touched upon, but I feel like Mark got more of the development thanks to the cat remarks. But who is Mark? Was he just a friend? Someone they invited into their lives from time to time?
Jade and Jasmine will of course to be dvelved into more, and Mark is actually a pretty important character who will be much more in the story, so he will also be touched upon. And yes, while Terry was alive he used to come over at least once a week and they would have a night with a good dinner (Terry was a good cook) and some wine (or in Mark's case a beer) in front of the TV.


Lunaris wrote:You might also want to enlist a proofreader and spellchecker. Nothing too bad, but there were a few things I noticed (Like Jasmine being referred to as Jade).
I know there must be some mistakes along the way, but I wont enlist a proofreader before I am further along... and have some money... and a decent idea if I can ever get it published... But where did I do the Jade Jasmine fuck up?

Lunaris wrote:Overall, I hope you keep up with this story. I want to see more. I want to see where it develops. And, damnit all, I want to shed some tears for their plight.

Suspect

Keep up the good work. The overall feel of the story is positive, no matter what you might think after reading the above. Those are just some points I would appreciate having clarified. You do good with conversation and mixing in little bits of history with the overall present story. Me so eager I love you long time.
What the douche is plight? XD
and thanks for the kind words, all your points of critiques were well argumented and resonable Very Happy
If you have more time you can head over to my DA and read my insane amount of stories over there Razz


Lunaris wrote:[EDIT]Love the simple names, by the way. I didn't touch on that. A lot of people try to go for overly-elaborate exotic-sounding names. I really like it being kept simple.[/EDIT]
First of all, Jade and Jasmine are VERY exotic names where I come from XD Denmark got boring names. But I dont do overly-elaborate names as they take eons to type over and OVER again throughout a story. Yeah I am lazy
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Re: I can has feedback?

Post  Lunaris on Thu Jun 25, 2009 5:33 pm

greven wrote:
Lunaris wrote:Also, the surprise pregnancy at the end almost feels cliché to me...but I'll fully admit it's a cliché I personally love and adore in stories. It's the reason that some of the stories I list as my personal favorites are in that favorites list.
Is it too cliché? it is just that due to some later plot points it needs to be revealed to Jade AFTER Terry's death. She cant be told while Terry was still alive.
Not too much so, no...I just notice it has a habit of popping up often enough in stories. As I said, I like it. It's kinda sweet to see it when it turns out right.

greven wrote:... But where did I do the Jade Jasmine fuck up?
'"You can come over and talk anytime you need to.” Jade said, sensing the same as Jade.'

greven wrote:What the douche is plight? XD
Their not-so-positive situation and set of circumstances that seems to be laying the groundwork for this story.

greven wrote:First of all, Jade and Jasmine are VERY exotic names where I come from XD Denmark got boring names. But I dont do overly-elaborate names as they take eons to type over and OVER again throughout a story. Yeah I am lazy
At best, I might have one or two elaborate names that I'll just keep on hand in a separate file for quick copy-and-paste action.

And around here they're unusual, but not to the exotic extent. More common than a lot of names, anyways.

And I know I'm one to talk with a screenname like Lunaris. I've had it for ages. I've got simpler and more common ones, I just have a personal attachment to this one. Smile
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Re: I can has feedback?

Post  greven on Thu Jun 25, 2009 5:49 pm

Lunaris wrote:
greven wrote:... But where did I do the Jade Jasmine fuck up?
'"You can come over and talk anytime you need to.” Jade said, sensing the same as Jade.'
Lol epic fail XD

Lunaris wrote:
greven wrote:What the douche is plight? XD
Their not-so-positive situation and set of circumstances that seems to be laying the groundwork for this story.
Ah yes now I understand XD Sorry the whole Denmark thing is working against me.

Lunaris wrote:
greven wrote:First of all, Jade and Jasmine are VERY exotic names where I come from XD Denmark got boring names. But I dont do overly-elaborate names as they take eons to type over and OVER again throughout a story. Yeah I am lazy
At best, I might have one or two elaborate names that I'll just keep on hand in a separate file for quick copy-and-paste action.

And around here they're unusual, but not to the exotic extent. More common than a lot of names, anyways.
The only problem is that considering the storyline I am going with I am gunna run into some long break-my-hands-while-typing-them names. But I think I have finally settled on the final storyline, at least the big things in it.
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Re: I can has feedback?

Post  Lunaris on Thu Jun 25, 2009 5:53 pm

greven wrote:But I think I have finally settled on the final storyline, at least the big things in it.
Then you've already got a lot more going than many people who figure they'll write a book. Best of luck with it. If it ever gets published, count me in as having bought a copy. Wink

That said, be careful of how much you post around online. I know some publishers can be fidgety about publishing things that are already available.
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Re: I can has feedback?

Post  greven on Thu Jun 25, 2009 6:16 pm

I am not posting anywhere else than here, that is already decided. and only bits and pieces if I need something or want you to see how awesome I am doing Razz

And it is not like I was being: I want to write a book... I will write about this!
I have been looking for a storyline to write a book about for almost 25 parsecs (not really a measure of time XD)
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