Trying to get over THE EPIC CRUSH and "into the game."

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Trying to get over THE EPIC CRUSH and "into the game."

Post  Fly Hue on Sun Jul 05, 2009 5:38 pm

Right so, I'm starting my freshman year of college next year, just for some background. I've had the same crush on the same girl for three long not-too-bad years, and who I've know for about 4 years. She's one year older than me and even now I still feel as helplessly infatuated as I ever have in my life. She went to community college in town for the past year, so she's been around, though we haven't been able to talk much since she graduated. I still try to plan get togethers, but a lot of them fall through. Last time we spoke, she said she's pretty sure she isn't going to be staying in San Antonio for school next year ( I will be, for at least a semester), and what with how uninvolved our relationship has been in the past year I'm pretty sure this means the end of our friendship -Which is even more difficult considering I still am unsuccessful in getting myself to get over her. Trust me, I've tried. Erica likes boys, there's no getting past that. So I've tried forcing myself to feel attraction be it physical or mental in others, but of course I just end up comparing them to her. She's like... everything I ever knew I wanted in another plus all the things I didn't know I wanted. She knows how I feel. I told her a year ago.

In the past, both before Erica became my friend and after, I have... "not felt ready" to enter the dating world. For the longest time I just thought I was a late bloomer and just had to wait it out. But what with all the heavy handed thinking I've been doing lately with Erica leaving and such, I now realize I am even LESS ready than I have been in the past. Earlier in my life I have worried that I might end up losing interest in any potential partners through comparing them to Erica... for the rest of my life even. I know for myself that I am not strong enough to live without companionship in a society that puts so much emphasis on the subject. I know I want to do this for myself, give me opportunities to experience happy, healthy, equal relationships -But I've been trying to move on for 3 goddamn years! I feel this is especially important now that she might be moving away and our relationship is disintegrating regardless. I want to be able to feel romantic emotions for other people. That's my story, I'm just looking for guidance now.

(edit) Ps. Sorry for disappearing for so long. D:
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Re: Trying to get over THE EPIC CRUSH and "into the game."

Post  alain1609 on Sun Jul 05, 2009 5:50 pm

well in my experience (i don't have much) when you try to forget someone it gets more difficult, you're still young you shouldn't be worring about that, think about having fun (lots and lots of fun) and then while having fun you'll find that person you want and forget about you're friend.

And take your distance is the best thing for you to do, makes it easier.
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Re: Trying to get over THE EPIC CRUSH and "into the game."

Post  Guest on Tue Jul 07, 2009 12:55 am

The best way to move on is to form new relationships with other people, whether they be romantic or platonic. You'll definitely meet someone you like and she'll be special in her own way. I agree that you are still young and haven't even begun to experience the dating world but i guarentee you will find your way. I recommend you try not to use Erica as the measure of all things because its an ideal that no one can measure up to except Erica herself. You have to give other people the opportunity to be who they are and find what you like about them. BTW, your likes and dislikes will continue to evolve and change. Believe me, things have a way of working out for the best! Very Happy

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Re: Trying to get over THE EPIC CRUSH and "into the game."

Post  eSilva on Tue Jul 07, 2009 12:56 am

You say you have been trying to move on for three years. Yet that is certainly improbable when the person you have wanted for so long has always been there within sight, whether or not reachable. So she's moving away huh? And it's painful, you realized that you weren't ready for her to leave you, but some things happen to us when we aren't ready. Life throws those things at us, always. However what I suggest you do, is not try and hide your grief, if she's a lost cause for you anyway, letting her know how much she means to you and how much you want to move on makes no difference. It wont change anything but I can assure that it will make you feel better. It is harder to forget someone when they are right there but at some point it will change. You will no longer compare Erica to potential love interest. In any case one certain potential will probably do what Erica does for you now, you will compare them to someone else. But I dont suggest you do that. Everyone is there own person and you have to see them for who they are, not who you want/wanted them to be. Thats how things go too. We only know what we learn, and we use what we've learned in the future. It's a part of growing up. At this age, I'm not far ahead of you, (I think I'm Ericas age maybe) but it's not the end. You don't have to let go of the memories. In fact you can cherish them for the rest of your life but it's not the end. You have a lot more opportunities ahead of you, sure you'll probably hit and miss but it's simply not the end. Plus it's when you STOP looking, usually, that you end up meeting someone meaningful, someone who grows on you Wink
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Re: Trying to get over THE EPIC CRUSH and "into the game."

Post  Elmoslayer on Fri Aug 07, 2009 12:12 pm

Hello,

I have gone through something similar, about a year ago now, so I understand a little about what you must be going through.

For a little background:

My first relationship was with my best friend, when I was 14. We broke up after 8 months, got back together after 9, and then broke up again after 5 months. I don't feel comfortable discussing the reasons behind our break ups, but when we broke up at the end of July last year, it was very clear that while I was still very much in love with her, she was not in love with me.

I tried to keep a friendship with her, but after a few months I decided to break contact myself. She was over everything that had happened between us, and was dating another girl, but I was still stuck very much in the same sort of rut you are - I couldn't see how there could possibly be someone who could measure up to her, and I didn't think I could trust myself to be in another relationship.

However, breaking contact with this girl really helped me when it came to moving on. It was very painful for a while and many times I considered trying to talk to her again, but I am glad I never did as it would have been a definite mistake. As the months went by I thought about her less and less, and eventually the pain brought on by it faded. I guess the old saying is true - out of sight, out of mind.

I felt like I was not ready for another relationship as I didn't feel I was over this girl, but in the end it was getting into another relationship that truly got me over her. At first I compared Sarah to my old one, but that soon disappeared as I was drawn to Sarah for reasons that were totally different to why I was drawn to my first girlfriend.

My ex lives just accross my street (total nightmare) and when I see her there is still a twinge, but in the end it really was the cutting off of our relationship completely that really helped me move on.

Anyway, thats my story, and although it will be really hard, letting the friendship end may be the best thing to help your love for her fade of its own accord, and help you move on from her. However, none of us can tell you what to do, and it's really your decision. All we can do is give you a little bit of good ole' lesbian advice.

Just don't feel worried that you won't find someone every bit as special to you as Erica is. Although they'll never be like her, you'll love them for reasons totally unique and every bit as precious. After all, it would be a boring world if we were all the same.

Chin up, head down. Tasha x.

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Re: Trying to get over THE EPIC CRUSH and "into the game."

Post  Fly Hue on Fri Aug 07, 2009 9:33 pm

Thanks Elmo, that was the most helpful post by far. And I'm happy to say that I reflected on this issue just a few days ago and I genuinely feel I've made the transition. I feel really good about this because I've convinced myself before that I was over her when really I was lying about it, but I know for sure this isn't one of those times because 1) That usually only lasts a day 9v9 and 2) It FEELS different, very similar to the way you know that you like-like someone rather than having a minicrush/finding someone attractive/or whatever. Like.... this 'over it' feeling just isn't like the other times. I've noticed that I'm actually checking out other people on the street and such, which is something that I used to NEVER do. I'm coming to terms with some of this girl's flaws that I've never noticed before, namely, how she's too afraid to really live her life. That was the finishing blow. I realized that that's something I need in a friend and definitely in a lover. I realize now that it's her fault that we never got to hang out. I was the one always asking, and she always had excuses, and she would never ask. I understand that in a way that I still adore her completely, and as perfect as a match that she seemed for me not too long ago, it is very apparent to me now that she just isn't the one for me, which is a statement I am totally capable of handling. I get that for a lot of people. I think, "That is a really nice person," ... but I can also acknowledge that we just aren't right for eachother. And I can do that with Erica now too. I still believe she is a great person, only now I understand that she is not right for me.
I feel very happy and adventurous now. I'm starting college soon and I'm ready to meet new friends. :)
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Re: Trying to get over THE EPIC CRUSH and "into the game."

Post  Elmoslayer on Thu Aug 13, 2009 2:51 pm

Wow, helpful is not a word generally associated with me! I'm very flattered Smile

And isn't it a great feeling? It's so refreshing! Well, I hope you keep on enjoying your newfound freedom and find somebody who is REALLY right for you. And if not, at least have some fun along the way!

And I hope you find some really good friends at college, it always terrifies me to go new places, but I have a well developed recipe for finding people to be your new best buddies: (at least, this is how i find them Razz)

Step 1: Stand around feeling scared and awkward because you know nobody.

Step 2: Make a fool of yourself. Drop everything down the stairs, open a door which is fire alarmed and set off the alarm in front of a hundred people, just try and make it as loud and humiliating for yourself as possible. This step takes a special kind of stupidity to be done properly, a quality I have in abundance.

Step 3: There will be people who will a) come to your aid, b) laugh very loudly or c) come and see what all the fuss is about.

Step 4: Take you pick of these people! It's always worked for me...but I am socially inept so I wouldn't necessarily follow my lead. : Laughing

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Re: Trying to get over THE EPIC CRUSH and "into the game."

Post  alain1609 on Sat Aug 15, 2009 6:11 pm

Elmoslayer wrote:And I hope you find some really good friends at college, it always terrifies me to go new places, but I have a well developed recipe for finding people to be your new best buddies: (at least, this is how i find them Razz)

Step 1: Stand around feeling scared and awkward because you know nobody.

Step 2: Make a fool of yourself. Drop everything down the stairs, open a door which is fire alarmed and set off the alarm in front of a hundred people, just try and make it as loud and humiliating for yourself as possible. This step takes a special kind of stupidity to be done properly, a quality I have in abundance.

Step 3: There will be people who will a) come to your aid, b) laugh very loudly or c) come and see what all the fuss is about.

Step 4: Take you pick of these people! It's always worked for me...but I am socially inept so I wouldn't necessarily follow my lead. : Laughing

did you really do that or were you just joking Neutral Question
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Re: Trying to get over THE EPIC CRUSH and "into the game."

Post  Elmoslayer on Sun Aug 16, 2009 7:56 am

Unfortunately, yes. I really did that. Not on purpose!

I just seem to make a total idiot of myself all too regularly. Oh well! Guess we aren't all blessed with social aptitude. Razz

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Re: Trying to get over THE EPIC CRUSH and "into the game."

Post  alain1609 on Sat Oct 31, 2009 12:06 am

i don't really know what you're talking about...
i've always been kind of "social" so... never had problems with making a fool of myself
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