*tears out hair* what should I do?

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*tears out hair* what should I do?

Post  NikiPaprika on Sat Sep 05, 2009 4:19 pm

Okay, so...I've been contemplating this for a long time, and it's not getting any easier each time I try and think it through...
Basically, I've gotten my uni timetable, and it's booked for everyday during the week, 9am-5pm (thursday is 9-4).
And now I've got a new job, but its at the weekend, both saturday and sunday.
...And my girlfriend is at high school.

...She lives about 12 miles away from me, and I can't drive yet...
Thing is, she came out to her parents (although they were pretty much "you're just confused" and things like that), but at least they know. But they have not even the slightest idea that I even hang around their daughter. Her parents are VERY paranoid, they never let her travel far unless she's with a friend THAT THEY KNOW and at LEAST know their parents. I mean, the only times we've been able to see each other is if a friend tags along with us for a while, or if she says she's going to someone else's house, and only sees me for a while...

...The last time we met up was sometime in JULY. We haven't seen each other for the whole of august, and now its september, and it's driving me fucking mad.
I kept saying to her "I might be lucky and have a day off at uni or something, and work that day instead!" but now that I've read what they sent me, it looks very unlikely. Dx

But the thing that's pissing me off all about this?? Its just that even if she just introduced me as a friend, let me come around the house and let her parents get to know me, maybe say I'm a little younger than I actually am (I've been told I look about 16 anyways xD), and then that means that I could visit her at night, at evenings. I could be at uni all day, then get dinner, then get a lift up to hers and we could finally meet up...
...but she won't even mention me (being a friend) to her parents. she's terrified they'll get the wrong idea of me, or they'll eventually catch me out, since they'll be wondering how she became friends with someone from miles away in another town...

GRAH!! Sorry I'm venting here...there's only one friend I trust and usually talk about this stuff, but he has been very busy (and lives in another country, ffs Crying or Very sad ). It's just driving me nuts...I REALLY love this girl, and she says how much she loves me, and wants to be with me...and it makes me want to cry, because now I'm scared about telling her about my timetable at uni, and how the weekend work will be there in the way...

...it's really depressing. I really want to be with her. I don't know what i should do, or what we should do...if we should wait til she's older and I have a flat, maybe she could move in with me, or if she should come out to her parents about us, or mention me...I don't know.
I'm so confused and depressed. I realise that the structure in this post makes no sense and is all over the place, but that's how I'm feeling right now.
I don't want to dump her. I love her so fucking much. But it only feels like we've only started the relationship because of how little we've seen each other...

FUCK I dunno what to do...I should be fucking happy about going to uni and having a new job....but I want to be with her so much, that I just can't feel happy about anything else....
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Re: *tears out hair* what should I do?

Post  alain1609 on Sat Sep 05, 2009 5:36 pm

i don't think you'll get an answer in this forum, that's up to you and your girlfriend.
but i can say that you are still young, don't rush it even if it's driving you crazy cause that will just cause more problems
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Re: *tears out hair* what should I do?

Post  NikiPaprika on Sun Sep 06, 2009 1:56 am

alain1609 wrote:i don't think you'll get an answer in this forum, that's up to you and your girlfriend.
but i can say that you are still young, don't rush it even if it's driving you crazy cause that will just cause more problems
I know, I'm not expecting life changing results by asking in a forum, but last night I really just needed to get it out of my system, since I don't really have friends who I can talk to about this. They would just go "Awww, that's ashame!" and give me hugs...but I feel like I have no direction right now.
I know its up to me and my girlfriend, but even pointers or guidelines would help me work out my bearings...
And when you say "you are still young, don't rush it" that's the thing...if I don't make a way to see her soon, there are plenty of other girls checking her out at school who claim that they love her and want to go out with her, so it's more of a challenge for me. She said she has no interest in them, and wants me, but what am I going to do if I rarely ever see her, when there are girls she can see everyday at school? It just upsets me even more...
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Re: *tears out hair* what should I do?

Post  greven on Sun Sep 06, 2009 3:05 am

Look Niki I am very sorry to say this, but there is a saying that goes like this: Long distance never works.
I am not saying that there cant be exceptions to the rule and I really hope your relationship becomes one of them. The way I see it you should use the wonders of technology as much as you can. Webcam, MSN, phone calls. I know this might be obvious, but seeing someone on a webcam is actually really warming and perhaps even better than a phone call.
Another thing I think you should do was find someplace halfway between Uni and where she lives, a park or a mall or something. Somewhere where you can take the bus after school and hang out with her.
It may be postponing the inevitable but that way she wont have to confront her parents with you just yet, I know it can seem horrible that she wont, but we all have our reasons, and maybe she is scared of how they are going to react. If they, as you say, are in the "it is just a phase" phase, then she might be afraid that they wont let her see you.


I dont know if any of this helps, I try to help people in here but I am rarely of much use, but anyway I hope things work out for you Smile
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Re: *tears out hair* what should I do?

Post  Fly Hue on Sun Sep 06, 2009 10:48 am

I could just be saying this because I live in a hugezutor city, but 12 miles isn't that far. Just cough up the cash for driving lessons already.
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Re: *tears out hair* what should I do?

Post  NikiPaprika on Sun Sep 06, 2009 11:05 am

Fly Hue wrote:I could just be saying this because I live in a hugezutor city, but 12 miles isn't that far. Just cough up the cash for driving lessons already.
Actually, thats the first thing I want to spend my money on, is getting lessons. I know it doesn't sound far, but when you're carless, it takes SO FUCKING long to get there, cuz there are very few buses and no trains that go to where she lives. But even then, its not so much the area or distance because we can easily both meet up in Edinburgh, the city <3333
its more to do with the lack of available time to see her...

Well I've spoke to her and she says she's still happy to talk to me on msn and stuff, but I still want to make the effort of seeing her face to face as well...it's really fucking depressing. I feel like I have no real friends irl anymore. The only people I can really talk to about personal problems is her, or my best friend, who lives in Norway, and is never online....

Baaah. I feel so pathetic T__T
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Re: *tears out hair* what should I do?

Post  Elmoslayer on Sun Sep 06, 2009 1:00 pm

Oh dear, this is a conundrum and a half...

I guess the easiest, and hardest way of solving this, is for your girlfriend to speak to her parents. I am a sufferer of paranoid control freak parents also, so I sorta understand that its really not an easy thing to convince them that you're not an evil lesbian whore trying to warp their daughter.

So I guess she needs to tell them the truth, about your relationship and how long it's gone on for, and that she loves you and wants to be able to see you.

But because they don't know about you, if she tells them about your relationship, they will trust her even less because she's been concealing it from them. This has the unwanted side effect of them becoming even more paranoid and refusing to let her see you. Uh oh...

So it's important to get this out in the open in a way that ont result in her parents blowing up. Its a bit of a balancing act but if she tells them in the right way, and possibly you could also speak to them?

I had to speak with my parents recently about their being very controlling over my free time and socialising, and although things were worse for a little while after, because I explained to them exactly how it made me feel, and why that resulted in my behaving in a less than ideal way, and apologised, it kinda disarmed them. So I guess the trick is to be really mature about it.

So I would either say tell the parents, if it's done in the right way, then it would make things a lot easier, although of course things will be very awkward for a while. They always are with parentals.. i understand that it's a really hard thing for your girlfriend to do, but take it from me; the horror of telling them and dealing with iit, as horrible as it is, is always worthwhile if you do it right and get a positive outcome.

Or if this really isn't an option, and i appreciate that you know the situation far better than anybody here, and you decide that telling them would only make the situation much worse, I can only suggest a few things, which I'm sure youve already thought about so sorry Sad

Find someone who is able to give you regular lifts to see your girlfriend until you get a car, and pay them back with money/cookies/laundry

Get a plausible excuse for your girlfriend to go to a set place regularly, like a club or something.

Or break it off with her,. but this option really is the last straw so don't think iI'm being horrible!

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help, but i'm sure whatever you choose to do will work out fine in the end. things generally do, eventually.

x

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Re: *tears out hair* what should I do?

Post  NikiPaprika on Sun Sep 06, 2009 1:14 pm

Thank you so much for such a helpful response, emo slayer!

And yes, i totally agree. I don't know her parents very well, but from what i've heard, they are VERY strict...
But I kind of get a little irritated because in the back of my mind, I just think that maybe if she actually tells them about me, then yes, of course they will get freaked out at first and ban me from seeing her, but I'm hoping after the initial reaction and the awkwardness, that they'll come to terms with it, and thus let me come over, or what not.
But I hate mentioning the thought of telling her to tell her parents. I've tried dropping a few hints before, but she was VERY against the idea of it. (Not that i blame her)
It's also because she's 15, so its hard to meet her at evenings, which, if my uni time table is going to be every day Monday to Friday, then work at weekends, 9-5 (maybe to 8, some nights), evenings really are the one and only time I can see her, at least that is until christmas holidays. we could try to meet up then, but the holidays are so hectic...

...so far, she actually seems more worried about how I've been depressed about it than the situation itself. She says as long as we are able to text and msn each other (and soon be able to have calls on skype), she'll be happy.

I could never break it off with her. I know this may sound weird, but I'm just so in love with her (I'm sure you've heard the same crap time and time again). Its why the situation is bugging me so much. If I had it in my mind that was an option I would consider, then I wouldn't be getting so aggitated. ^^; it sounds crazy, and stupid, and I am actually the type to emotionally detatch myself from other people. But I love this girl so much, it drives me crazy.

Though if she is really unhappy with the situation, I'd rather she break up with me and find someone else to be happy with... maybe I'm just sadistic like that. XD;;;;
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Re: *tears out hair* what should I do?

Post  alain1609 on Sun Sep 06, 2009 4:08 pm

my parents are not that strict but they have very high expectations of me.
i'm a "fairly" good girl, meaning i follow the rules but i tried not to one day and let me tell you it didn't get pretty, your girlfriend is probably scared of what might happen with her parents if she tell them about your relationship so you have to undersand is not easy to say something like that expecting a hug and verything is ok from parents like that and after commig out to them, i think that's too soon but i'm talking about what i would do if i was her.

try to get cloder to her and make her parents trust you, even if you are a little older you would get the chace to go out with her, i've never recommended "lying" so everything is up to you too.
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Re: *tears out hair* what should I do?

Post  Elmoslayer on Mon Sep 07, 2009 3:52 am

It's ELMOslayer, Elmoslayer, as in the red one from sesame street? Actually, say what you want, I can't even remember how this name came about, it started as some sort of inside joke years back, and I use it for everything.

Okay, now I've stopped telling you off:

I do honestly think she needs to tell them, especially if it's making you unhappy too. I think yoiu should have a big long talk with her, explain to her your new timetable, and that there is no realistic way for you to regularly see each other, unless the parents can help out. It's also best to discuss your worries about the girls at school who like her, just get it all out, so she knows. Once she knows how things stand, then a solution is going to be easier to find, whether that it's to carry on together and find a suolution, however that is. Or, it may be possible that she feels there is not a future for you two, and that it would be easier to cut it off now, rather than draw it out any longer.Please don't think I'm being horrible, you obviously know her very well and ..ah shit i'm making a mess of this aren't I?

I get how hard it is, personally I wanted to jump out my window rather than stay in my rooom talking to my parents, but things really have been so much easier since. Of coure there's most likely going to be a majorly awkward period afterwards, but there should be a way to reduce the nuclear fallout.
I had two relationships that I didn't tell my parents about, and TRUST ME it's a lot less bad if you tell them than them finding out the hard way. *winces*
Heres a couple of my suggestions (some of them tried and tested, some of them things I wish I HAD done.)

Talk to her parents as well. This is particularly terrifying, but if they can see that you are a responsible and kind person that will look after their daughter and not use her or take advantage in any way, then it's better than them seeing you as some mysterious and deeply suspect stranger they've never met. If you respect them and their views, and get them to eventually respect you in return, it wil be a lot easier to come to an agreement.

When it come to explaining to them about the relationship, it is important to be as mature as possible, and to let the parents have their say too. it's important to keep it to a discussion, rather than a fight. Make sure both parties can explain exactly how they feel and what is behind their actions, so you can address the relationship and their distrust of their daughter together.

When at all possible tell the whole thruth, but i am not against telling some white lies and laving out some details that you don't feel avble to tell them, or that you feel would simply make the situation worse. I hate to lie, but sometimes I consider that it is easier to let everyone have little privacy, and keep some details to themselves. For a very poor and totally unrelated example: ig you see something in a charity shop that you know a friend will absolutely adore, and you give it to them for their birthday, you don't mention that it only cost 50p, and they don't mention that you left the price sticker on.

Try and compromise the situation. At first the parents may want to taoally keep you away, and totally disagree with what you are saying, but they do love their daiughter. if they can see it is not a phase but that she is in love with a responsible, mature person then it will be very had foir them to make her unhappy. It should be possible to come to some sort of arrangement, which means they can keep an eye on things but stil let you see her. for example, they might drive your girlfriend over to see you, but stay with you so they can have a good look in. this sounds dreadful, but evemntually, if they see that the realtionship is good, then tyhey will begin to trust you both more.make sure you keep in good contact with the parents, so they see you as a friend/acquaintance. Is it also possible to arrange some sort of family gathering where your parents can meet up with theirs, and meet your girlfriend? Because if you parents, or some other relatives, are fine with your sexuality, then letting them socialise with your girlfriends parents may help rub that attitude off on them. You'd be amazed what peer pressure can do.
keeping a compromise will help to keep everyone happy, and with time the rules can be relaxed.

Please bear in mind that this is only my advice and nothing else, i am not an expert and i know nothing of your situation other than what has been said in this forum. Don't be afraid to totally disregard everything that has been said, going by your own knowledge and instict, and doing what you think is best. It may not have the most desirable outcome, but it will be a choice made, and you will be able to move on. Besides, you must be feeling pretty rubbish right now, so it can only get better!


And don't worry about only having real friends online, sometimes people you havent met can be better friends than those you see every day. *mutters darkly*

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Re: *tears out hair* what should I do?

Post  Pineapple on Fri Sep 11, 2009 6:41 am

First of all, I really do sympathize with you. I sounds like a stressfull position to be in. But what I really want to say, is no matter what you decide to do, try not to let it affect your classes. I know it sounds cruel, but I've seen too many of my friends repete years or drop out.
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Re: *tears out hair* what should I do?

Post  alain1609 on Fri Sep 11, 2009 7:28 am

me too, i had a friend who was in a similar position to you...
her parents knew about her sexuality but they though she was sick (a classic conclusion in mexico); her parents never let her go out at night and didn't pay her school, her sister supported her, she fell in love with a girl who moved to another state and they hardly saw each other, she wanted to see her and let school aside, fail one class and repited the hole year (she should be in the same year as me) and she's trying to recuperate what she's lost(i'm not that sure about this last part cause she stop talking to me when i called her and idiot but my friends say that she's doing pretty well, i'm glad for her)
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