Terrified of the answer

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Terrified of the answer

Post  greven on Mon Feb 02, 2009 4:51 pm

I have no coming out story. But I do have a story I would like to tell, it is a story about my biggest problem in my personal life. There is no question, but please comment if you feel like it, well here goes

Terrified of the answer
One thing have been stuck in my mind for the last 4 years, one sentence shook my world to its very roots and I am still picking up the pieces.

About 5 years ago I fell in love with this girl, Johanne is her name, she had just transferred in from another school and she was the girl next door cliché incarnated. She was funny, she was charming and above all she wasn’t stuck up. Most of the school had the hots for her as she transferred there, but most of those flames disappeared as she ended up in a small group of people who were all but unreachable to the outside world. I think we were known as the creepy squad, no one really understood what was going on when we were talking as we had inside jokes in every 3 words, we would talk of Monthy python, and games, and movies that most people had never heard about.

So I was in the creepy squad and we were having a good time all round, and she ended up there too. She later told me that we seemed less intimidating than the rest of the class, which makes sense as we were a bunch of weak pale nerds, Well except for my best friend Bjørn of course. She was immediately excepted into the group and everyone got along with her just fine, well except for me.

I have a natural fear of rejection or something like that, hell I am scared to ask people if I can join there group for schoolwork, I never had much self-respect I guess and the thought of loosing just a tiny bit of what I have, scare me shitless.

The problem was that I really liked her, and every time I looked at her I lost contact with Huston if you know what I mean. But as I feared a rejection I never made the slightest of moves, hell I talked to her only when necessary for the first 2 months just because I was afraid of saying something stupid. Eventually I got over it though and me, Bjørn and her became almost inseparable, we would talk forever, watch movies and laugh and just have a good time all in all.

Thinking back I should had seen the Spiderman signs all over the place. The shy dorky kid looses his would-be-girl to his awesome outgoing best friend. So of course, Johanne, as her name was, ended up dating my best friend Bjørn. This was actually the second time my best friend (2 years earlier and another best friend) had ended up with someone I had a crush on so with things piling up like that I did the only manly thing to do, and didn’t talk to any of them for 2 straight weeks. Not the wisest move I know but I felt hurt, and maybe even betrayed, though of course Bjørn had no Idea I had ever had a crush on her. I have never talked about feelings with anyone, not till this fall anyway, and Bjørn was not exactly the person to discuss feelings with that’s for sure.

So I eventually did what any psychologist would tell you is wrong as hell, I hid my feelings deep inside and never looked at them again. And for a while everything was fine we became an inseparable trio again, only this time we were a pair and then me, but I was okay with it, I could live like that. But then, 4 years ago, she smashed my world to pieces. Having finally come to grips with everything about my love life (or lack of so) I got to school one faithful summer day, and nothing special happened till just after the lunch break. We were analyzing an English text about the one subject I could NEVER speak about: Love.

And as the cruel mistress fate is, she decided to play a little trick on me, because when the teacher looked out over the class and picked someone willing to talk about their experiences with love, she picked out Johanne. What Johanne said is something that have been bussing in my head ever since.

She said that she had once thought that she was in love with someone, but had found out that he was just a very dear friend
I don’t think she to this day realize how much that sentence have tortured me, ever since that day I have been wondering whether or not I was the friend. It got me writing, as I write when I am upset, and I wrote and wrote and wrote. Poured my heart down on a Word document, only to delete it within seconds, fearfull of what I had just written down.

Then last year around this time actually, she introduced me to a friend of hers Kristina. I think Kristina loved me, but I don’t know how I felt about her, I remember kissing her the first time (it was in fact my very first kiss at the age of 18, now if that aint pathetic I don’t know what is), I didn’t do it because I really felt like it, it was more because I somehow thought it was excepted of me as the man to do so.

We went steady soon after that, it went WAY too fast I can see that now. Within about a month, we were staying with each other every weekend, and I was suffocating, her intire family was pretty much rotten, her mother couldn’t work because her back was broke, her dad had some rare blood decease and her brothers were jerks. They threw all this at me the first time I was there, I couldn’t handle it. I felt guilty for living with healthy parents and nice siblings.

After 4 months with her I called it quits. It is the one moment in time I regret above all, and the worst part is that I knew I would do the exact same thing again.

I sent her an Em@il. I’m not kidding, I was such a coward that I actually sent her an email, telling her I was breaking up with her. It took me 4 days to write, I tried to explain how everything was my fault, but they never believe that do they? I heard from Johanne that she cried for a week before cheering up again, I haven’t spoken to her since. I wrote an essay called love a few weeks later and put it on my blog, trying to explain why I had done what I had done. Johanne was checking my blog every once in a while and I hoped she would show the essay to Kristina, so that maybe she would feel a little better.

I didn’t ask Johanne about it till someday this fall, I was driving her to dancing practice and I tried to casually ask how she was doing, I had been hating myself for the way I broke up with her for a while at that point and I was desperate for some news of any kind. But I must admit that I was shocked to learn that Kristina had dropped out of school due to suicide thoughts. We talked for 2 hours straight, and I was told that it wasn’t my fault enough times to believe it. Furthermore she said that she had shown Kristina my explanation essay and that it had cheered her up quite a bit, but apparently suicide was not uncommon in her family.

So as the Kristina thing got cleared out of the way we started talking about feelings in general, I think this was the first time I talked about feelings face to face with someone.

I told her about how I had once had a crush on her, but I never told her that I still had feelings for her, I actually asked her about who she had been talking about back then, but she dodged the question quite elegantly, and I was too relieved to actually have someone to talk about feeling to, to press the subject.

But recently things have once again stirred, as Johanne and Bjørns rock solid relationship is now actually quite rocky. But where some people would use this as a chance to get what they had missed all that time ago, I have been using all my power on keeping them together, and I have almost succeeded at the present time. This year I am going to leave school and enter the great work force, and most of my friends are doing the same thing, or moving to other cities to keep studying, as weird as it sounds Bjørn and Johanne’s relationship is my life preserver. It is the only constant in a world I feel is changing way too fast. But somewhere deep inside, I still wonder just who she was talking about those 4 years ago. I still wonder if I could had been with her, if I had only been a bit more bold

For the last 4 years, I have been terrified of her answer to that one question.
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  tara on Mon Feb 02, 2009 8:06 pm

Wow, I really admire that you can just tell everything! You are very good writer. And I can relate to this quite a bit. I'm extremely shy and never really go after what I want. (Well, also, what I want hasn't really presented itself to me, either.) That's a tough situation. I don't know whether I should admire your ability to put things aside and be friends with them, or if I should be going HAAAY!! HAAAAY! Think of yourself!!

I am probably NOT qualified to give advice, but I think if Bjorn and Johanne were meant to be together, they will be, and if you and Johanne are meant to be together, you will be. Remember, in Spider-man, Tobey Maguire ended up with the girl!! Just go with it and don't pick over something she said four years ago. At least you've been able to have some kind of closure with her, talking about your crush and your other relationship. Sometimes in life you don't even get that!

Although I think you should have broken up with your girlfriend in person - but I'm guilty of that too. In this day and age of electronics it's too easy to avoid talking to a person face to face. Maybe to gain more personal peace you should try talking to Kristina? Even though you may have explained things, I'm sure she'd appreciate it if you took the time to talk to her.
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  greven on Tue Feb 03, 2009 4:58 am

tara wrote:Wow, I really admire that you can just tell everything!


First of all: dont.
I am perfektly aware that what I do seems, in the lack of a better word: brave. But let me asure you that it is anything but that.
The thing about my writing is that I can detach myself from it completely, this is not about me at all, this is about some person who have gone through the exact same events as I have and is feeling the exact same things, but it aint me.
I learned a fancy word for it in Psychology last year, but sadly I have forgotten it.
You can be sure that if I am ever confronted with this in real life i will completely deny all of it, because I cant have my sad feelings interfer with my day to day life, I would not be able to stand people trying to cheer me up all the time, so I block it off everyday before I go to school, and I dont open that box before I am sitting back in my room in the light of my laptop.
This is not brave at all, this is an escape from reality, hell for all intent and porpuses this chat room does not exist outside my room. For all I know you are just fragments of my imagination I have created to have someone understanding to talk to, who I dont have to interact with on a day to day basis.

You are very good writer. And I can relate to this quite a bit. I'm extremely shy and never really go after what I want. (Well, also, what I want hasn't really presented itself to me, either.) That's a tough situation. I don't know whether I should admire your ability to put things aside and be friends with them, or if I should be going HAAAY!! HAAAAY! Think of yourself!!
Thanks for the writer thing, that and my gaming skills are the two things I take pride in knowing that I am at least decent at.
I dont know either, I am not sure whether I am being a good friend by staying friends with them, or being a bad one for hiding my feelings.
Relationships are in a desperate need of a manual.

I am probably NOT qualified to give advice, but I think if Bjorn and Johanne were meant to be together, they will be, and if you and Johanne are meant to be together, you will be.
Dont pull the fate thing please, heard it all before and I am still not buying it.

Remember, in Spider-man, Tobey Maguire ended up with the girl!! Just go with it and don't pick over something she said four years ago. At least you've been able to have some kind of closure with her, talking about your crush and your other relationship. Sometimes in life you don't even get that!

Yeah I am happy I got to talk to her about my the crush I "had" on her, and I dont think I ever said how she reacted did I?
Well her only reaction was that she was glad I hadnt told Bjørn because he was the very jelaus type, and if I had told him me and her would have a hard time hanging out together and then she said: "And I dont want to loose you as a friend"
Now correct me if I am wrong but it does not get any more cliche than that does it?

Although I think you should have broken up with your girlfriend in person - but I'm guilty of that too. In this day and age of electronics it's too easy to avoid talking to a person face to face. Maybe to gain more personal peace you should try talking to Kristina? Even though you may have explained things, I'm sure she'd appreciate it if you took the time to talk to her.

I dont think I should, I know so, it is relationships 101: dont break up over the phone, in a mail or for the love of god an SMS.

You know maybe I should try to talk to her... Funny thing: this is the first time I am actually considering talking to her again. Thanks Tara
Only problem is that I broke up with her almost 7 months ago, maybe I will just rip open an old wound.
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  tara on Tue Feb 03, 2009 8:17 am

Ha ha, wow. Like I said, I'm not really qualified to give advise, I don't know the entire story just what you told me here. All I know that in MY life the weird kinks usually work out in strange ways. I had a similar situation where I 'broke up' with someone online, and then a few years later I met with her again and she had had a baby. It's kind of weird but we're still friendly. I'm glad that we are talking again, which is why I recommended you talk to Kristina. But it's whatever works for you, I can't change your mind about things. You might meet up with Kristina again later, you might work things out with Johanne, it depends on a lot of things, not JUST you. It depends on her, and him, and everyone, so it's not fate so much as things in life you can't control. That's all.

I'm blown away by how much passion you have!
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  greven on Tue Feb 03, 2009 11:02 am

tara wrote:Ha ha, wow. Like I said, I'm not really qualified to give advise

No one is more qualified than others to give advise, because everyone can contibute with their own view of the situation, as everyone have different perspectives they will all have something important to say.

I'm blown away by how much passion you have!

I have passion? I had no idea confused
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  Fly Hue on Wed Feb 04, 2009 8:58 pm

I know this probably isn't going to happen with your regards to bravery. But in terms of advise for the sake of advise:

Tell he everything. She has a right to know your feelings. Tell her for the sake of being honest. Tell her, if you tell her, that it is only to Be Honest and that you are not planning to gain anything by doing so. It's not your place to decide that she will act one way or another, only she can make that decision. So she deserves to be given that opportunity for better or for worse.
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  greven on Thu Feb 05, 2009 7:07 am

Fly Hue wrote:
Tell he everything. She has a right to know your feelings. Tell her for the sake of being honest. Tell her, if you tell her, that it is only to Be Honest and that you are not planning to gain anything by doing so. It's not your place to decide that she will act one way or another, only she can make that decision. So she deserves to be given that opportunity for better or for worse.

I am actually considering it, if I end up contacting her in any way shape or form it will be to give her closure rather than me.
After all, It was me who fucked up her life and not the other way around.
I will keep you posted if something happens.
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  Skyangel on Sat Feb 07, 2009 3:16 pm

Hi Greven,

I've just read this thread through and I must admit it stories like yours move me so much. I'm so pleased you had such excellent advice here from the others, and there's really nothing I can add is there! One saying I heard years ago though that is always worth bearing in mind.

' At the end of your life it is not the things you did wrong that you regret half as much as the things you didn't do'

I think this is a classic case in point. you are going to take this uncertainty with you to your grave unless you make an attempt to get an answer. You may well be hurt by what she says, but i think by now you will be able to cope with it better. You write beautifully and honestly about your thoughts and feelings. Even Bjorn cannot deny you being human!! And it is not as if you have had a relationship with Kristina behind his back or anything. I would write her a letter or a mail and tell her everything you have told us and ask her if she would put your mind at rest. What have you seriously got to lose?

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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  greven on Sat Feb 07, 2009 7:32 pm

Skyangel wrote:Hi Greven,

I think this is a classic case in point. you are going to take this uncertainty with you to your grave unless you make an attempt to get an answer. You may well be hurt by what she says, but i think by now you will be able to cope with it better. You write beautifully and honestly about your thoughts and feelings. Even Bjorn cannot deny you being human!! And it is not as if you have had a relationship with Kristina behind his back or anything. I would write her a letter or a mail and tell her everything you have told us and ask her if she would put your mind at rest. What have you seriously got to lose?

I am actually in the process of writng her a mail, it is taking quite a while tough as I want the wording and timing to be perfect.
I am leaving it all up to her whether or not she wants to talk or not, and if she wants to do it in person, over phone, mail or something else.

Would sending it on valentine be insanely wrong and offencive?
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  Fly Hue on Sun Feb 08, 2009 12:09 pm

greven wrote:
Skyangel wrote:Hi Greven,

I think this is a classic case in point. you are going to take this uncertainty with you to your grave unless you make an attempt to get an answer. You may well be hurt by what she says, but i think by now you will be able to cope with it better. You write beautifully and honestly about your thoughts and feelings. Even Bjorn cannot deny you being human!! And it is not as if you have had a relationship with Kristina behind his back or anything. I would write her a letter or a mail and tell her everything you have told us and ask her if she would put your mind at rest. What have you seriously got to lose?

I am actually in the process of writng her a mail, it is taking quite a while tough as I want the wording and timing to be perfect.
I am leaving it all up to her whether or not she wants to talk or not, and if she wants to do it in person, over phone, mail or something else.

Would sending it on valentine be insanely wrong and offencive?

ABSOLUTELY DO NOT SEND IT ON VALENTINES DAY.

The whole month of February might be a bad time actually. It would seem ... just... way too cheesy, which would block your sincerity. I'd wait until the last week of February or the first week of March. By then the whole romance season should have blown over.
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  greven on Sun Feb 08, 2009 1:48 pm

Fly Hue wrote:

ABSOLUTELY DO NOT SEND IT ON VALENTINES DAY.

The whole month of February might be a bad time actually. It would seem ... just... way too cheesy, which would block your sincerity. I'd wait until the last week of February or the first week of March. By then the whole romance season should have blown over.

Hehe I was kidding dude Smile
I would never be as stupid as to send it on valentines day, I do have some sense left Razz
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  Fly Hue on Sun Feb 08, 2009 8:20 pm

I nearly died! One does not joke about such things! D;
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  Jase on Sat Feb 21, 2009 9:17 am

" But for now, let me say, without hope or agenda, just because it's Christmas - and at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect. And my wasted heart will love you until you look like this. *insert picture of a mummy here*"

(Points to anyone who twigs as to the movie I just quoted!)
Anyway. Other than the Christmas thing, I think that's the feel you want to go for- "without hope or agenda". Yes, you really should tell her- honesty, I believe, is the best policy in most situations. I'd recomment talking to her in person if you can; if you're the type who can't get the words out right when it comes to it, write a letter by all means, but I'd recommend giving it to her in person and sitting there as she reads it.
Bravery is not being unafraid- it's being utterly afraid and not giving in to it. If you want to see this through (and I can tell you do) you must be brave.
I recommend then stepping back- don't work to keep them together, because if they can't stay together without outside help, clearly the relationship is... lacking. If it doesn't fall apart, or they work through it, be prepared to support them as a friend.
If it does, for the love of all things lovely, don't make a move on her for some time. Be there for her, support her, be a friend- and once you're 100% certain she's over him, wait at least a month before you consider it. If she shows absolutely no signs of missing him in that time, then consider mentioning dinner or something else which you can mention as a date, and she can agree to it or say it's just as friends.
Oh- and if you value your friendship with your best friend- clear it with him first.

Anyway, I hope that helps some.
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  eSilva on Tue Apr 28, 2009 1:07 am

For some reason, greven, i get the strongest urge to say that the word you learned in psychology is "Intilllectualization" which is a defense mechanism where the subject in question uses "a form of isolation; concentrating on the intellectual components of a situation so as to distance oneself from the associated anxiety-provoking emotions; separation of emotion from ideas; thinking about wishes in formal, affectively bland terms and not acting on them; avoiding unacceptable emotions by focusing on the intellectual aspects (e.g. Isolation, Rationalization, Ritual, Undoing, Compensation, Magical thinking)."
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  greven on Tue Apr 28, 2009 2:08 am

Yeah you might as well have described my entire being right there with one word. pale
Something that is pretty scary if I might say so.

But yeah it seems to make sense that is a defence mechanism.
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  Guest on Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:44 pm

I agree with Sky. It's like that song where it says, "it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do." Maybe its just me but i feel better putting myself out there and knowing, even being rejected than always wondering. If i am rejected then i can finally let it go and that's a relief. If i'm not rejected then hey...there's a chance for me. I have a story that goes with that but it basically ends with "I should have called her back and explained." I also agree with Jase, let the relationship play itself out. Once its dead and some time has past, you never know. Plus your feelings could change, it all could change you just never know where people are at in their lives. Wink

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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  Emilyelizabethx on Thu Apr 30, 2009 4:00 am

Go for it Greven!

I think the others are right. Its better to have looked back and thought 'at least I did' rather than 'I wish I did'. Also, I think what esilva says is right, and doing this will help you to push out of your comfort zone, and get into the habit of thinking less and doing more when it comes to emotional situations.

And, you know what they say. Emotional Experience is one of a writer's greatest tools. Very Happy
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  greven on Thu Apr 30, 2009 7:05 pm

Honestly I think you guys have been great and you have really helped me a lot, so I think you deserve some closure.

I got in contact with my ex Kristina a few weeks back, at least I got in contact with someone looking exactly like her and had the same name. She wasnt the girl I had known that is for sure. She had been so sweet and caring and fragile when I was with her, but I have never seen a real leather girl, well not before I met her that day. I wont go into the details about the meeting, but I can give you some "highlights".

She told me she didnt give a shit about me anymore, then she spat at me, and then I almost got the crap beat out of me by her huge 22 year old boyfriend.

From what I hear she is in a lot of dirt now a days, and the girl I wanted to apologize to, just isnt there anymore. I talked to some of the friends that stuck with her for the longest, and they say that the pressure of it all (sick parents, evil brothers etc) snapped her, she dumped out of school and started on her new career of shoplifting and the like.



As for all the advise on Johanne, thank you. But I have grown a lot since I started this topic, and I am no longer so confused about how I feel, I have gotten a better grasp of things, a lot of it due to you guys. I no longer think I have a thing for Johanne, and I have moved on from it, the last couple of times we have been together I havent even felt the tension I used to do.

Bjørn and Johanne are rocky again in their relationship, but this time I am stying out of it. it cannot be my responsibility to keep these two together anymore. If they need a friend or a shoulder to cry on, I am there for them, but I am done cleaning up their mess and I hated having to lie to them both for things to get better. I was only covering up the stench, and sooner or later they will have to realize that the relationship they have going isnt going to last, no matter how much they want it to.
And yes I will be there with a lifeboat, but they gotta sink the ship or steer it to safety themselves now, it cannot be my responsibilily anymore.



Sorry this turned into a rant. Hope you got anything out of it.
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  eSilva on Fri May 01, 2009 12:27 am

lol. Didn't know we needed closure too!

That is a surprising turn of events concerning Kristina! Its a little hard to believe but then again it partially makes sense. "An apple doesn't fall far from the tree" and so on.

As for Johanne. I'm glad that you've decided to step back from their relationship. Who knows, maybe at some point they might've started to blame you for something? That would've been bad, and irrational.

Don't mean to really feed your ego Mr.Snake but some of your experiences are pretty damn interesting!
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  greven on Fri May 01, 2009 12:55 am

I had a hard time believing it myself, I had been told she had "gone bad" by a few of her friends, which is why I actually went to meet her, I had to see it for myself to believe it.

Yeah they might do something like that, wouldnt really surprise me too much.

Oh good, just take my most personal experiences and secrets as interesting, that is fine with me as long as I can entertain you.
(Kidding, I am not mad at you)
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  eSilva on Sat May 02, 2009 1:35 am

lol. I never said it was entertaining! (oh burn! lol. jk jk) just that they're interesting in a sense!
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Re: Terrified of the answer

Post  greven on Sat May 02, 2009 4:32 pm

Yeah I know what you mean Smile
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greven

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Re: Terrified of the answer

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