NaruSaku - Suicide

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NaruSaku - Suicide

Post  greven on Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:18 pm

NaruSaku - Suicide
Its a Naruto Fanfic but I am really wondering 2 things, first off: I went for a sentimental tone with a hint of guilt mixed in, did I nail it? and is that themes that holds any interest to you(the reader)?
The other Q goes to anyone who are not familiar with the series: does the story hold any meaning if you dont know the Naruto Storyline and characters?
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Re: NaruSaku - Suicide

Post  Fly Hue on Tue Feb 10, 2009 9:15 pm

I'd be one who is unfamiliar with the storyline, so here's my opinion:

I was able to pick up on the general idea of what was going on big-plot-wise towards the end when the girl character was saying what was all happening. I'm still not 100% clear, but they're just details that I think would be mostly irrelevant anyhow. Up until she explained what happened, I was all like nine-tails what? But I think I get the general gist of it. The characters I was able to keep track of because there was pretty much only two, and they were one boy one girl. So that was easy enough to keep track of.

I couldn't follow at all along with what the actual suicide attempt was. Yes, I know what a shuriken is, that's not what threw me off.

The introductory portions I felt were a bit simple and stiff, and I'm pretty sure that wasn't the emotion you were going for in that portion. I feel like the section needed more complex sentences and less generalized internal thoughts.

The second part I felt was very successful! No complaints coming from me on that part!
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Re: NaruSaku - Suicide

Post  greven on Thu Feb 12, 2009 7:09 am

I was going to wait and here some other comments before answering but since it seems no one else gives a shit, here I go.

Fly Hue wrote:
I couldn't follow at all along with what the actual suicide attempt was. Yes, I know what a shuriken is, that's not what threw me off.
I was going for making the actual suicide wague, I wanted it to be clear what he was doing towards the end but I want people to figure out what is going on him- or herself.

Fly Hue wrote:
The introductory portions I felt were a bit simple and stiff, and I'm pretty sure that wasn't the emotion you were going for in that portion. I feel like the section needed more complex sentences and less generalized internal thoughts.
What do you mean with the introduction portions? I am not sure what parts you are refering to here. sry


Fly Hue wrote:The second part I felt was very successful! No complaints coming from me on that part!
Yay Very Happy
I liked how it turned out as well
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Re: NaruSaku - Suicide

Post  Fly Hue on Thu Feb 12, 2009 6:39 pm

By "Introduction Portions" I just meant the opening paragraphs. I'm sure the rough feel to the opening is just because you were 'breaking in' to the story, but I don't think it would hurt to go back and polish them up a bit. :)
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Re: NaruSaku - Suicide

Post  greven on Fri Feb 13, 2009 3:10 am

Fly Hue wrote:By "Introduction Portions" I just meant the opening paragraphs. I'm sure the rough feel to the opening is just because you were 'breaking in' to the story, but I don't think it would hurt to go back and polish them up a bit. Smile

You know you are not half wrong on that one...
Tell you what, give me some time and I will see what I can do, there is definetly something wrong with the opening I will give you that. Sad
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Re: NaruSaku - Suicide

Post  greven on Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:41 pm

So I decided to give the intire first half a good old workover and I like how it turned out, I added a lot of small stuff that I think helps the story quite a bit, and of course changed the beginning that was weak.
Oh and changed the final story thing as well, again small things that helps the story as a whole.

NaruSaku - Suicide

Be warned though this is still a Wall of Text
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Re: NaruSaku - Suicide

Post  Fly Hue on Sat Feb 14, 2009 10:16 am

Much Nicer, It feels less jumped into.
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