The Spaces Between - critique.

View previous topic View next topic Go down

The Spaces Between - critique.

Post  tara on Sat Feb 14, 2009 5:11 pm

This is a little old and embarrassing, because I realised, HAY! I haven't finished anything as of late, although I am debating whether I should post the story I mentioned in another post here. (About the guy getting kicked out of Harvard for being gay). Because on one hand, I'd like opinions, on another, I don't know if opinions will help or hinder the creative process. But on the other hand, I don't know if it can help since I haven't worked on it in a while. (Although that's more because I'm preoccupied with comics than because I am stuck...) And I don't know if you'd like something half done, ANYway. Blah blah, I ramble.

But I'd like new eyes to look at this, thank you! It's stream-of-conscious about a relationship and involves sexual content and I can't get the damn spacing to work on it, so.

The Spaces Between (Will take you to deviantart.)
avatar
tara

Posts : 171
Join date : 2009-01-31
Age : 35
Location : China

View user profile http://www.drunkduck.com/Good_Taste

Back to top Go down

Re: The Spaces Between - critique.

Post  greven on Sun Feb 15, 2009 5:09 am

Wow...?
OMG...?
1337...?
EPIC...?

I cant do this, I am going through my skull trying to find a word that sums up my feelings on that story... but for a change I am comming up with a blank.

The writing is gold, you paint pictures so beutifully that they seem real. I can see the cigaret falling from his hands, I can hear his restless turning in the bed, and I would swear I took part in that midnight stroll when all was quiet.
The way you tie your story together with the toth/hairbrush is just perfect, you tie up everything in your story and sends it all back to the beginning, you leave the reader with a sense that this was not the first time, and neighter will it be the last. The circle never ends, for what would there be to live for if it did?

You write as I could only hope to, and for that I thank you. For one can only achive greatness once one have experienced it, and maybe with this I can get a slightly better understanding of how greatness is achived.
avatar
greven

Posts : 807
Join date : 2009-02-02
Age : 27
Location : I am most likely in front of my laptop in Denmark... or in front of my TV.

View user profile http://simongreve.deviantart.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: The Spaces Between - critique.

Post  tara on Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:18 am

greven wrote:Wow...?
OMG...?
1337...?
EPIC...?

I cant do this, I am going through my skull trying to find a word that sums up my feelings on that story... but for a change I am comming up with a blank.

The writing is gold, you paint pictures so beutifully that they seem real. I can see the cigaret falling from his hands, I can hear his restless turning in the bed, and I would swear I took part in that midnight stroll when all was quiet.
The way you tie your story together with the toth/hairbrush is just perfect, you tie up everything in your story and sends it all back to the beginning, you leave the reader with a sense that this was not the first time, and neighter will it be the last. The circle never ends, for what would there be to live for if it did?

You write as I could only hope to, and for that I thank you. For one can only achive greatness once one have experienced it, and maybe with this I can get a slightly better understanding of how greatness is achived.

Wow!! I'm so grateful for your comment. It definitely gives me a bit more confidence!! When I posted this I was like, cringing, like, aughhh, I hope it doesn't get eaten alive. Although I also think it's good, there is always that evil thought there that I am being deluded. But your reaction is so overwhelmingly positive! Thank you for making my day.

I've had one person say that the voice isn't very masculine. As a girl writing a guy, this is something I wonder about! What do you think of the voice? He's very neurotic and ruminates and makes lists, but is that too "flighty" or something?
avatar
tara

Posts : 171
Join date : 2009-01-31
Age : 35
Location : China

View user profile http://www.drunkduck.com/Good_Taste

Back to top Go down

Re: The Spaces Between - critique.

Post  greven on Mon Feb 16, 2009 4:03 am

tara wrote:
Wow!! I'm so grateful for your comment. It definitely gives me a bit more confidence!! When I posted this I was like, cringing, like, aughhh, I hope it doesn't get eaten alive. Although I also think it's good, there is always that evil thought there that I am being deluded. But your reaction is so overwhelmingly positive! Thank you for making my day.
I know the feeling, I always have a feeling that my own stories are terrible, because I always end up reading something really epic ten minutes after I post my story. But in the end you always end up being your own worst critic.

tara wrote:
I've had one person say that the voice isn't very masculine. As a girl writing a guy, this is something I wonder about! What do you think of the voice? He's very neurotic and ruminates and makes lists, but is that too "flighty" or something?
I have to say I got confused pretty fast while reading this story, mostly because I knew you were the author I thought it would be a female main character, it threw me off at first but I dont really think it was a female voice no. There are some things that seems a bit feminin but nothing serious, but writing as the oposit sex is hard.
I did a tiny little poem joke thingie from a womans perspective but everyone got confused because they thought the main guy was a man and not a woman Razz
avatar
greven

Posts : 807
Join date : 2009-02-02
Age : 27
Location : I am most likely in front of my laptop in Denmark... or in front of my TV.

View user profile http://simongreve.deviantart.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: The Spaces Between - critique.

Post  tara on Thu Feb 19, 2009 5:22 am

So it's a bit feminine but not something to worry about, I guess? Something to work on in general though, not necessarily for this piece, kinda thing, I think.

Another story I'm working on has a male narrator, too. Whyyy do I kill myself like this.
avatar
tara

Posts : 171
Join date : 2009-01-31
Age : 35
Location : China

View user profile http://www.drunkduck.com/Good_Taste

Back to top Go down

Re: The Spaces Between - critique.

Post  JGray on Thu Feb 19, 2009 5:27 am

Lovely sense of imagery. It reminds me some of Hemingway but in a less ultra-macho sense.
avatar
JGray

Posts : 18
Join date : 2009-02-05

View user profile http://mysteriesofthearcana.com

Back to top Go down

Re: The Spaces Between - critique.

Post  ReiDavidson on Thu Feb 19, 2009 12:08 pm

Aww. I hate girls like that, that as soon as you tell them you love them, they respond with goodbye.
avatar
ReiDavidson
Admin

Posts : 328
Join date : 2009-01-22
Age : 30

View user profile http://true2ourhearts.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: The Spaces Between - critique.

Post  Fly Hue on Thu Feb 19, 2009 6:46 pm

I've been milking paragraphs of this for the past few days since you've posted it on the forums, coming and going in between pieces of it, and always finding each new section very satisfying. It feels so warm and tangible and almost like it could be eaten too, what with how familiar it manages to feel. I wasn't very concerned about the male voice, it sounded alright to me, except for the one paragraph about how he'd try different ways to get to sleep, and I can't put my finger on what made it sound so... not even effeminate, but not boy-ish either. Overall a wonderful piece.
avatar
Fly Hue

Posts : 215
Join date : 2009-01-31
Age : 26
Location : San Antonio, TX

View user profile http://user.drunkduck.com/Fly%20Hue

Back to top Go down

Re: The Spaces Between - critique.

Post  Jase on Sat Feb 21, 2009 9:31 pm

greven wrote:Wow...?
OMG...?
1337...?
EPIC...?

I cant do this, I am going through my skull trying to find a word that sums up my feelings on that story... but for a change I am comming up with a blank.

The writing is gold, you paint pictures so beutifully that they seem real. I can see the cigaret falling from his hands, I can hear his restless turning in the bed, and I would swear I took part in that midnight stroll when all was quiet.
The way you tie your story together with the toth/hairbrush is just perfect, you tie up everything in your story and sends it all back to the beginning, you leave the reader with a sense that this was not the first time, and neighter will it be the last. The circle never ends, for what would there be to live for if it did?

You write as I could only hope to, and for that I thank you. For one can only achive greatness once one have experienced it, and maybe with this I can get a slightly better understanding of how greatness is achived.
...What he said.

The way you write- the actual words you use, the sentance structure- reminds me of textual abstract art; but each sentance joins together to paint a picture where each area is interesting in itself; but the whole is breathtaking.

...In short? Awesome.
avatar
Jase

Posts : 95
Join date : 2009-02-21
Location : Hampshire, England

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: The Spaces Between - critique.

Post  tara on Mon Feb 23, 2009 7:07 am

Wow guys!! You are all so nice. HEMINGWAY? Geez. I'm just going to go into a corner and draw circles with my finger on the floor.

I'd really like to be published one day, it's been my dream since forever, and you've guys has given me hope! One day!
avatar
tara

Posts : 171
Join date : 2009-01-31
Age : 35
Location : China

View user profile http://www.drunkduck.com/Good_Taste

Back to top Go down

Re: The Spaces Between - critique.

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum