Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

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Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  Skyangel on Sat Feb 21, 2009 4:24 am

I had this really touching mail sent to me during the week from a teenage girl who sometimes feels ashamed or upset that she has been born different to her friends. I've given her my thoughts on this already, but something like this touches so many of us right across the LGBT world; so many of us have felt this way, and still do at any age, but there is no easy answer is there?
This is from a bright and happy girl who sometimes feels suddenly very alone. I am just a single voice, but I think at times like this you like to be reminded that there is a whole LGBT world out there that understands and sympathises with how you feel.
I DO have her permission to quote these extracts of course, and I'm hoping that the responses left here will be of comfort to her now, and maybe also for anyone else whose feeling lost and happens to come by this way in the future.

Her mail:

I really hate complaining about stuff but somtimes thinking about it makes me want to cry ...

But you see , I'm very proud of being a lesbian , I'm out of the closet and in all honesty I couldn't see myself any other way because it IS a part of who I am. And It's not a depressed person , I'm actually a very happy person...

It's just at certain times , I get really sad , Like I wish I was "normal" , at least that's what I think... Sometimes it feels like maybe I should just go out with a guy and maybe I could lead a happy normal life... But I know It'd never work , It's not that I'm confused , I know I like girls , I know I don't like guys... It's just , Sometimes my friends will be talking about their boyfriends or I'll see a really happy hetero couple... and it makes me sad... I know I'm probally being silly, It just hurts me sometimes... I just , I mean its not all the time , only every once in a while but when I do feel that way I can't shake the feeling for a bit... so I dunno , I just really needed to talk to someone about it...

It's the fact that I feel left out in a way, I can't talk about girls in front of my friends It's like , I dunno , I'm excluded ,
It's like they'll be sitting there and theyll be gushing about some guy they saw or there new bf and they'll be showing the picture of there new bf off , and its like I can't say anything , and It is a bit awkward to talk to my guy friends about girls...I dunno somtimes I just dont feel like I fit in anywhere...

But I do have my best friend forever , xxxxx , hes not gay , but he is a very good friend , he comforts me when I'm sad , and he'll gush about girls with me and we've just been best friends since 8th grade ,

Everybody looks at a hetero couple and goes " awww love birds sooo cute" and if they see a lesbian couple its just like "avert your eyes and whisper, Here comes the unnatural couple" and it kind of makes me sad and hurts at the same time , because I don't know ... I can't help but feel compassion for my girl and love , and I feel its a beautifull relationship , for one to love another , no matter if its hetero or gay ... It just feels like , why do I have to be the freak , why cant people see me as the person I am, I never grimace at a girl kissing her guy on the lips so why am I something nasty to do so to my girl... oh bother , I'm on the verge of tears , I'm being very silly.... I'm sorry... mmm..I've just , I cant really talk to anyone about this... and I havent ever talked about it and I've been feeling this way for a while... Its a horrible feeling and I don't like it... I don't like feeling like a freak when I'm doing nothing wrong... I dont like being called nasty or disgusting when I don't do nasty or disgusting things..

I'm sorry , I really shouldnt be pouring this on you... I'm just a silly emotional teenage girl...Whos makeup is being ruined by tears ..haha..

It just hurts when , It feels like everybody is telling me to be ashamed of myself and all I wanna be is proud and live a good happy life...

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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  Skyangel on Sat Feb 21, 2009 5:10 am

This is my original reply and I don't blame anyone for not reading it because I do tend to ramble on sometimes, and I'm no expert in these matters!!! But I do hope that some things here may help anyone else that ever feels this way about themselves.

You are not alone in feeling this way. A lot of people of all ages will brag they are proud to be gay etc. but still have many times when they feel that their lives would have been so much happier if they had been born hetro.
The school years are the hardest for sure; hearing and seeing your friends being lovey-dovey is bound to make you sad, but if they are talking about their b/f's then would it not be okay to talk about your girl? They should be supportive and understand that your feelings for your g/f are as strong as the feelings they have for their b/f's.

You can always have a guy as a friend that understands and accepts that it IS a friendship only and nothing more. you can still be close to a boy and care about him without having to kiss him, and if he is a good friend you will still find a cuddle from him reassurring now and then, and it would prob make you feel more comfortable with your friends when they are with their partners. A lot of gay girls have gay boys for friends because they can relate and not have the pressure or fear of it getting out of hand.

Even single hetero's ( at any age ) will avoid mixing with happy couples because they feel out of place and it just makes them feel more alone. People who are single tend to go out and socialise with other single people as they have more in common with each other ( like looking for dates!) than married or steady couples would have.

Probably the best cure for these sad moments is to contact your girl as soon as poss and have a lovely romantic chat between yourselves, and remind yourself that if you were hetro then she would not be interested in you. Don't forget also that she must feel exactly the same way as you do at times, so there is no harm in telling her how you feel.

The more gay people we see around behaving like normal couples the better for everyone.
Finding it awkward to talk about your girl among your friends, and feeling left out when they are discussing boys is a really hard one isn't it!
When you leave school you will be able to choose your friends more carefully from a whole world of like minded and accepting people that will make you feel happy and confident about the way you feel. School is very confining and because you are moving through the school years with the same class all the time you are forced to accept what friends you can. I only hope some of them are good caring friends.
I think if xxxx was with you and you were out in public, you would feel a lot more confident knowing you had her for support. The sad thing is that anybody who stands out from the norm always gets noticed. Gays are not the most persecuted of all time, these days. If you think how not so long ago coloured people were treated as low class human beings by so many people, and how Jewish people were also being persecuted for just being Jewish, then suffering a few dirty looks and hearing some rude comments means we have come a long way! I know it is not a perfect world yet, and it prob will never be. On the plus side, 98% of guys tend to be perfectly happy to see two girls kissing, and though a lot of women don't get the same buzz from it I think the vast majority are fairly accepting even if they do not understand.

Don't forget before puberty you and your friends were all on an equal level and boys would not have been that important to them either. Gay people get their wires crossed so at puberty, while guys and girls start getting the sexual urge for each other, we get it for our own kind. It just happens, and it is not a choice. You are stimulated by the sight of other girls in much the same way that boys are and it is not controllable. The desire you get to touch and be touched by girls you are attracted to is also a perfectly normal process, meant to happen between two people. It may not be completely working right from natures point of view, but you are both functioning 98% as nature intended. A powerful part of your mind is telling you to mate with a girl and the reasonable part of your mind is arguing about it and saying, ' this does not make sense', ' it does not seem right', ' other people will say it is wrong'... and that's where the guilt and the shame kick in. If you were not able to analyse your own feelings etc. you would prob just leap on your girl and enjoy yourself! It is a very powerful urge of nature, just like eating is. You can stop eating by will, but your body will still cry out to be fed. Just remember hon, that sex is NOT dirty. It's a wonderful union between two loving people that brings you both a lot of comfort and pleasure. It does not have to be talked about with your parents or friends or anybody. it's a private matter between you alone or you and your partner, so there is nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. If anybody wants to assume that being a lesbian is ALL about sex then it is their problem and their shame. When you are with your girl or feel you would like to mention her be proud that your FEELINGS towards each other are honest, decent and NORMAL! :


Last edited by Skyangel on Sat Feb 21, 2009 8:57 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Too longwinded!! lol)

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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  Emilyelizabethx on Sat Feb 21, 2009 7:36 am

Awww, I kinda understand how she feels about feeling excluded and left out, though I never had to deal with sexuality, so I'm not too sure how it really feels.

I think she just needs to find some lesbian friends. Keep her old ones, of course, but mingle with other like-minded people, so she won't feel so left out, and there wouldn't be any homophobia or discomfort, whether direct or indirect.

Also, she sounds completely normal! XD More normal than me anyway XD. Alot of what she's going through are just typical teenage emotions. Most teenagers feel insecure about themselves and the way they come across. Its a confusing, emotional rollercoaster. Feelings become all muddled,and you're longing for acceptance as well as feeling self-concious about all different parts of you, both inside and out, because you're still developing a sense of self, and working things out. So any part of you that is or could be considered different is going to really worry you because you're worried about how others percieve you too. Being a teenager and a Lesbian is more likely even more difficult for many because of this reason, because its considered a taboo. That's why I think she should mingle with other lesbians, that way she can slowly gain more confidence in herself and assurance that what she is experiencing is absolutely fine, and there are millions of people out there who are gay (1 in 10 people are gay, more are probably bissexual)

I have had these type of feelings too, and I'm straight, and many other teenagers have. Its all apart of growing up, but there are good ways to combat it, like finding activities and hobbies that other people share and doing things like going to classes and things. Having shared interests in people gay or non gay will help her realize that she's normal, and also boost her confidence.

Also realizing that she isn't alone, both in her feelings of loneliness and self-conciousness that come with being a lesbian as well as a teenager. In fact, she is part of the majority. I'm sure many thousands of lesbians and gays felt the same way.

Its a horrible position to be in, but it certainly won't last. And it certainly doesn't mean you're different, strange or abnormal. Things will get better. Smile

I hope that made sense. XD My head is kind of muddled because I've had a lot of coffee. I hope she has a biiiiig virtual hug from me. Smile Very Happy


Last edited by Emilyelizabethx on Sat Feb 21, 2009 7:38 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Wrote the wrong word XD Stupid me)
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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  greven on Sat Feb 21, 2009 8:44 am

I am going to go out on a limb here and say you are completely grade A normal.
I have no girlfriend, and being with my good friends who are all in relationships of one way shape or form, is always akward.
Think of it like this: you are a person who likes like action movies, and they all like romantic movies.

Now you are sent into this group of people who are all talking about the newest bridged Jones diary or whatever, and you are expected to take part in the conversation, not gonna work out because the only film you are thinking off is the xXx, 3: Triple trouble.

My point is that what you are going through is nothing more than talking to people with a different interest. Like how I have problems talking to some of my friends because I really like to talk about games and they dont give a shit.

Of course there will be times when you try to watch and enjoy a romantic movie so you can talk with your friends, but you are halfway through the first scene when you realize that you are getting bored to death.
Fitting in with the crowd should NEVER be more important than doing what feels right, I dont watch or play football, because even if it would make me fit in better I dont like it. I would rather Game and talk with fewer friends about that, and then just take a break from the other conversations if the talk falls on football.

If you do want your friends to except your sexuality (and of course you do Smile) Then arrange some sort of sleep over (I have no idea what ladies do when they meet Razz Me and my friends watch movies Very Happy) where all your friends come over and your GF is there as well.
Meeting under conditions where they are all gathered around the common interest of the movies will allow your friends to see your GF as "one of the girls" because they get what I would like to call a social shortcut.

By gathering everyone around the movies your GF and friends can talk about the movies and your friends dont have to always mind that they are talking to your GF.

I have been in the friend position a few times at similar situations, and having a subject at hand (the movies) to talk about really helps break the akward silence.


When people look at G/L couples with sort of a wierd look it is simply because it is not something you see everyday. It does not mean that they are prejudice or anything like that, but walking down the street and catching eye of two guys walking hand in hand really throws you off guard. Most people will realize that what they are seeing is not discusting in any way, and be fine with it, given a few minutes to deal with the situation.

I might have more to say but it will have to wait till later.
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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  ReiDavidson on Sat Feb 21, 2009 10:58 am

I think when someone gives me the stink eye, I usually just talk to them. Let them ask questions and answer those openly and honestly. I'm all about education.
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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  Emilyelizabethx on Sat Feb 21, 2009 6:10 pm

ReiDavidson wrote:I think when someone gives me the stink eye, I usually just talk to them. Let them ask questions and answer those openly and honestly. I'm all about education.

Yay for education! Very Happy
The only way for the world to change is through the younger generations. I was raised in a non-sexist, non-racist, non-homophobic household. My dad's two best friends were a gay couple. I grew up thinking that the world wasn't racist or homophobic and was really shocked when I realized it was. Neutral To this day I can't quite get my head round it. I really find it hard understanding racists, sexists, homophobies, etc.
But I do know I'm going to teach my children the exact same issues I was raised on, in the hope that they'll do the same to their kids. As someone once said, 'be the change you want to see in the world' Very Happy
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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  Joneko on Sat Feb 21, 2009 7:12 pm

Tch, poor baby. On one level every single person goes through some of that in a way. But I also think you do tend to feel more excluded when you're the only gay or lesbian and you can't even go "Omg this guy/girl is so cute~"

I definitely agree with those have said so far to try bringing up her girl with her female friends anyway. Sometimes it could be taken much better than we think. I also suggest maybe finding a "mom" or "dad" in the gay community, even just via internet -- an older lesbian role model she can talk to so she doesn't feel so alone. I first heard of this in Little Rock where it's actually part of a sort of...underground family system, to band together, since it's not very well-accepted in the south; my gay roommate was a mother to three gay boys, one who was ALWAYS in and out of the apartment, and another who actually got him a balloon and flowers for Mothers' day. For some people it's hard to find other folks like them in the area and even having that one person to talk to at the end of the day and gush to or confide in helps a lot. (I'm the proud 'Mom' of a 19-year-old in Michigan who knows more about music than some music critics! D: *brags a little*)

Skyangel, maybe you should be 'Mommy'? (Or 'Daddy'? I'm one of those too.)
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I'm the girl in the email

Post  FoxxinMinx on Sat Feb 21, 2009 7:48 pm

hmm.. I wasn't really going to say anything but all of your responses have really truely made me happy and I feel a tons bit better about the subject,

Its touching that you people would sit down and give me advice ... And I take it all to heart... I took greven's advice and joined... I hope to be as much of a help as you all have been to me... Once again... Thank You...

Much Love,
FM

ps... haha I'd be honored to have Skyangel be my "Mommy"


Last edited by FoxxinMinx on Sat Feb 21, 2009 7:51 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : adding somthing in)
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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  ReiDavidson on Sat Feb 21, 2009 10:15 pm

Oh yes. For those who don't know, Joanna and I used to be a big couple. Now we're just good friends.

A lot of my friends call me "mommy" because I'm very bossy/control freak but at the same time I worry about people and am very nurturing so I act like Mom to all my friends.

When Joanna and I were together, she became the "Daddy." Then we broke up but we stayed friends, for... you know... the kids. XD

I refer to her as my "ex-husband" now.
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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  Joneko on Sat Feb 21, 2009 11:04 pm

*snerk* Yes, but she's closer, so she gets visitation.

And FM, I'm glad that you decided to join, it's nice to be able to see who had those questions, and to be able to speak to them...not in person but...you know what I mean Very Happy;
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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  greven on Sun Feb 22, 2009 3:20 am

O_o
You took my advise?
Well... its your funeral Very Happy

Kidding, its good to have you here, and I am glad to hear that we did some good with our wicked long responces (That shit was insanely long!) Smile
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>.>

Post  FoxxinMinx on Sun Feb 22, 2009 4:01 am

and ty for the welcome(s)

lol ex-husband... thats hilarious.
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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  ReiDavidson on Sun Feb 22, 2009 11:43 am

The kids keep asking when Daddy gets visitation rights. I tell them when they can afford it.
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lol

Post  FoxxinMinx on Mon Feb 23, 2009 3:39 pm

ReiDavidson wrote:The kids keep asking when Daddy gets visitation rights. I tell them when they can afford it.

^_^ lol ... That's freekin hilarious
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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  greven on Mon Feb 23, 2009 3:57 pm

Everyone is treating this mummy daddy stuff pretty loosely, but I cannot for the life of me begin to explain how much I respect people who have the strenght to do something like that.

Dont get me wrong I would love to be able to help people like that, I just dont think I would be able to take the emotional stress that follows. Maybe I am just too young who knows.

PS. Yeah I think I just called you guys old Very Happy
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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  Joneko on Mon Feb 23, 2009 6:45 pm

greven wrote:Everyone is treating this mummy daddy stuff pretty loosely, but I cannot for the life of me begin to explain how much I respect people who have the strenght to do something like that.

Dont get me wrong I would love to be able to help people like that, I just dont think I would be able to take the emotional stress that follows. Maybe I am just too young who knows.

PS. Yeah I think I just called you guys old Very Happy

...I'm not sure if I should be complimented by the first part or insulted by the second XD Pfft, but I have two brothers to call me old so I'm used to it.
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i dont

Post  FoxxinMinx on Mon Feb 23, 2009 9:48 pm

I don't think your old... Infact I think you all are special... ^_^ in your own sense of perfection ... <3 lol

I'm not old >.>

O_o my cat just sneezed... ^_^;;;
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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  Fly Hue on Tue Feb 24, 2009 8:28 pm

Ho-Shi-! You're 15! I just noticed that!! I'm not that young anymore! t----t
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T_T

Post  FoxxinMinx on Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:11 pm

>.> I'm a young'un .... T_T old at heart though , actually i should have been born in the old western days , and had a secret relationship with a cowgirl ... or i should have been born in london ... >.> I should have been born in alot of places... But im content where i am now.. lol!
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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  ReiDavidson on Mon Mar 02, 2009 11:38 am

I should have been a two-spirit in old native American society! DX
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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  greven on Mon Mar 02, 2009 11:56 am

I should had been born 200 years into the future where I would rule cyperspace with my legue of killer virus programs MUHAHAHAHA
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Talking about you behind your back.

Post  Elmoslayer on Thu Mar 26, 2009 1:44 pm

Hey guys

I know this doesnt really fit in with what this thread is meant to be for, but anywho.

Recently I've found out that some people at my school have been saying things about me behind my back...
A girl who is friendly with one of my friends and who sits with us a lot at lunch has been telling everything we say to her other friends. These friends are the very cliquey, popular people at my school and now we find out that details of our private lives she's picked up on are a topic of discussion in the common room! She still hangs around with my friend and its really awkward as we dont really want to say anything around her O.o

Also today I found out that a boy in my Psychology class has been saying how ugly I am and stuff.
It gets worse though. A few weeks back I made a comment in Chemistry about witches to the teacher (I dunno, Chemistry is a bit random sometimes) . Since then two boys in particular have been teasing me, calling me a witch and freak and things like that. Then today I discovered that another person in my Chemistry class posted a picture on Myspace with the caption CRAZY WITCH GIRL IN CHEMISTRY.

It's stupid I know but it really bothers me. I've had my fair share of bullying (who here hasn't?) but i changed schools for Sixth Form and i really thought that by now people would have grown up a bit. How wrong you can be.

I'm sorry for whingeing at you all like this, but I'm pretty depressed about it Sad

*sigh*

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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  Emilyelizabethx on Thu Mar 26, 2009 1:56 pm

:Hugs Emoslayer: The first 16 years of my life were like that, and I'm only 18! XD
I know EXACTLY how you're feeling. But the first and only thing is, nothing is wrong with you. People can pick up on tiny things, like unconfidence, or insecurity, or even just not following the crowd, and they can make people's lives a misery with it, particularly if they think they can get away with it. All of these people have deep-rooted insecurities or problems themselves.
I know its hard, but the best thing is, not to rise to it. The more you do, the more they will do it back to you. If you just completely ignore them, as if they don't exist, not only do they realize that they don't have power over you, but it helps you realize how little and insignificant they really are. One thing I've realized from being with people who used to bully is that they often have problems at home, or are deeply unhappy, and can pick on any random person for the stupidest, most insignificant thing.
Just spend time with your friends, and doing what you enjoy. Smile :hugs: I hope things get better for you, I hate bullying, it disgusts me.
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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  Elmoslayer on Thu Mar 26, 2009 2:15 pm

*hugs back*

Thankyou so much! I feel a lot better knowing somebody else has been through it all too. Are all sixth forms so backstabbing? Teenagers suck lol.
Last time I got bullied was when I came out and had people following me home :O I wish people just thought a bit more, yanno?

*carries on hugging till EmilyElizabeth gets freaked out and runs away*

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Re: Feelings of not fitting in anywhere

Post  Emilyelizabethx on Thu Mar 26, 2009 2:20 pm

People followed you home? God that's scary!!
Sixth form is always the worst! I dunno what it is that sends people nuts. I reckon its because people are in a new environment and become more aggessive. Teenagers are particularly malicious, and I think it's become alot worse of late. I think everyone has been through backstabbing. No matter how pretty and popular you are, I can guarantee that someone, somewhere has said something nasty about you. You certainly aren't alone, and anytime ya need a chat, I'm here!
*hugs Emoslayer back until she starts freaking out! XD
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