Relationships as a pre-op transgender

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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  tara on Mon Feb 23, 2009 7:45 am

I liked skyangel's advice about actively seeking people out through online or any LGBT community that may be in place in your area.

As well, you said that you weren't necessarily looking for 'Mr. or Mrs. Right" so perhaps this isn't something you should be worried about right now? If you're just looking for fun, then it shouldn't matter WHY you two get together, just that you do. And that way you get to see if you two are compatible disparate from your gender; if you don't want your gender to make a difference then don't let it. And if your gender reassignment becomes a point of contention you can always dump their asses later. XP Kind of go with the flow right now, I think. If you find the right person - you do. Y'know? Take care of yourself, first.

I myself am on the fence about my own gender identification, so I can relate to your plight. I seriously think in some ways I am a guy. And sometimes I really wish I was. Especially in my teen years, I was a total tomboy. The short hair, the ties, the suits to school, the girls asking me if I was gay and me being too shy to answer. Then when I reached about ... 22, 23? I got more into the girly things. Make-up, skirts, grew my hair out. I love dressing up in dresses and eyeliner, but when I look in the mirror I still see a guy a lot of the time and contemplate cutting my hair short and investing in wigs. XD It's kind of confusing. I like being a girl, I'd like to be a guy.

I really admire your courage to be able to decide, and to be planning to take such positive, definite changes in your life. I'm sure you'll find your someone - such strength can only attract the same!


Last edited by tara on Mon Feb 23, 2009 7:47 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : SMILIES)
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  imair on Mon Feb 23, 2009 1:46 pm

Hey

Just thought I'd join up to say that I'm in about the same boat as you. I'm a pre-op female to male transgender person, on the same waiting list as you and everything. So far I've told my Mum, Dad and brother (and my counselor, doctor and all that obviously) Luckily I look just like my brother face-wise so I do get read as a boy just under half of the time. The main problem I have is getting ID'd for everything :/ I frequently get asked things like "are you even old enough to be a lifeguard?" or "shouldn't you be in school?"

Anyway, as far as relationships go, I'm pretty much asexual leaning towards gay. I have absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever at the moment but I quite like the support being in a relationship provides, and I'm only interested in men, really Wink Up until recently I was in a really nice relationship, which ended because he wouldn't see/treat me as a guy, and insisted that I was really a girl all the time. Since we broke up, he's actually tried to understand a bit more and is OK now. I love him to bits still but he won't consider anything anymore because "he's not gay".

So yeah, it's kinda cool in a weird way to know that I'm not the only one going through this stuff. I can't really offer any advice or anything, but if you ever wanted to talk to someone who's kinda the same, just drop me a note or something Smile Good luck!

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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  Jase on Thu Feb 26, 2009 8:38 pm

...Heh. I've been offline for a few days, and a couple of the responses made me grin, because of the reasons I've been MIA.

imair wrote: Up until recently I was in a really nice relationship, which ended because he wouldn't see/treat me as a guy, and insisted that I was really a girl all the time. Since we broke up, he's actually tried to understand a bit more and is OK now.
...Okay, my "ex" wasn't this bad- but he couldn't deal with the gender side of things, and of my becoming a man. Likewise, though, once we broke up he made a real effort to get used to it.
Different ending, though- he made a genuine effort to patch things up and make up for when he wasn't there for me because he couldn't handle it; and told me that he'd realised that I'd still be the person he fell in love with nearly six years ago, regardless of my gender. I thought about it and agreed a couple of days ago that we'd give things another go- I don't know if it'll work out, but there's only one way to find out.

So although it's no longer an issue for me, I'd like the topic to stay active, since I'm not the only one on the forum in this boat (hi imair, by the way) and it's definately something worth discussing, I feel.

On the subject of "shemales"- "intersexes" I believe they're referred to sometimes, or hermaphrodites. Many of them have their gender "chosen" for them at birth; many of them choose their own gender as adults. Some of them are actually operated upon to make them a single gender as newborns.
...If you're more talking about the anime fetish, then the whole point is kink I believe. xD Their "chosen" gender is usually quite clear, since males and females in anime are often portrayed very differently.
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  greven on Fri Feb 27, 2009 4:48 am

Jase wrote:...Heh. I've been offline for a few days, and a couple of the responses made me grin, because of the reasons I've been MIA.

imair wrote: Up until recently I was in a really nice relationship, which ended because he wouldn't see/treat me as a guy, and insisted that I was really a girl all the time. Since we broke up, he's actually tried to understand a bit more and is OK now.
...Okay, my "ex" wasn't this bad- but he couldn't deal with the gender side of things, and of my becoming a man. Likewise, though, once we broke up he made a real effort to get used to it.
Different ending, though- he made a genuine effort to patch things up and make up for when he wasn't there for me because he couldn't handle it; and told me that he'd realised that I'd still be the person he fell in love with nearly six years ago, regardless of my gender. I thought about it and agreed a couple of days ago that we'd give things another go- I don't know if it'll work out, but there's only one way to find out.

That is positively the most romantic and heartwarming thing I have heard all week. I am so happy for you Jase, and I hope it works out.
and Imair: Chin up, things will work out Smile

Jase wrote:
On the subject of "shemales"- "intersexes" I believe they're referred to sometimes, or hermaphrodites. Many of them have their gender "chosen" for them at birth; many of them choose their own gender as adults. Some of them are actually operated upon to make them a single gender as newborns.
...If you're more talking about the anime fetish, then the whole point is kink I believe. xD Their "chosen" gender is usually quite clear, since males and females in anime are often portrayed very differently.

You know I pretty much thought that "natural" hermaphrodites were just an urban legend of sorts. Neutral
In anime they are usually girls of mind, rarely are they boys of mind. I like Futanari Smile
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  Jase on Fri Feb 27, 2009 5:49 am

greven wrote:
That is positively the most romantic and heartwarming thing I have heard all week. I am so happy for you Jase, and I hope it works out.
Ha, well, I don't know about romantic; I suppose it is, really, but it's too early to feel romantic about it. I'm cautious, I'll admit, and a lot more cynical than I would have been before; but generally speaking, I do feel good about it. Well, if I didn't, it'd suggest I'd made the wrong choice. xD


greven wrote:You know I pretty much thought that "natural" hermaphrodites were just an urban legend of sorts. Neutral
Nope. I wouldn't say they're common, by any stretch of the imagination; but they're definately real. Many of them, as I said, have their gender "chosen" for them at birth; and some of those are operated upon as babies to make their bodies match that gender. (Having the gender chosen for them seems harsh to me, though.)
But yeah, anime "hermaphrodites" (such as they are) are very different to the real ones, but generally speaking the purpose in anime is- as I said- kink. xP Not always, but from my experience, usually.
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  ReiDavidson on Fri Feb 27, 2009 11:14 am

"hermaphrodite" isn't always the correct term.

"Intersexed" is the PC term if you're with all that political correctness.

And more common than you think, actually. They are the third gender. D:
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  Joneko on Fri Feb 27, 2009 11:36 am

Yes, except in our modern society we prefer binary gender constructs because we can't possibly FATHOM that, you know, something like that is beyond our control...

(I've done lots of reading and writing on this. I get bitter. Very Happy;; )
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  Jase on Sat Feb 28, 2009 1:31 am

ReiDavidson wrote:"Intersexed" is the PC term if you're with all that political correctness.
I believe I did say they were called that sometimes. I'm not big on being all PC; as long as one is respectful. I'm going to call a white person white and a black person black, I see no point in calling them "caucasion" and "of African/American(/Carribean/whatever it is) descent". It's a skin colour. I'm not going to worry about what I call someone's hair colour, so I'm not going to worry about skin colour either.
...And that is one of MY push-buttons. xD (aka, people being TOO PC.)
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  ReiDavidson on Sat Feb 28, 2009 11:54 am

I think what it is, is hermaphrodite is actually technically wrong. What the word means and what intersexed people are isn't the same thing.
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  Joneko on Sun Mar 01, 2009 6:33 pm

http://www.isna.org/faq/hermaphrodite

An interesting bit.

"Is a person who is intersex a hermaphrodite?

No. The mythological term “hermaphrodite” implies that a person is both fully male and fully female. This is a physiologic impossibility.

The words “hermaphrodite” and “pseudo-hermaphrodite” are stigmatizing and misleading words. Unfortunately, some medical personnel still use them to refer to people with certain intersex conditions, because they still subscribe to an outdated nomenclature that uses gonadal anatomy as the basis of sex classification. In a paper titled Changing the Nomenclature/Taxonomy for Intersex: A Scientific and Clinical Rationale, five ISNA-associated experts recommend that all terms based on the root “hermaphrodite” be abandoned because they are scientifically specious and clinically problematic. The terms fail to reflect modern scientific understandings of intersex conditions, confuse clinicians, harm patients, and panic parents. We think it is much better for everyone involved when specific condition names are used in medical research and practice.

To read more about the Victorian origins of the medical terminology of “true” and “pseudo” hermaphroditism, check out chapter 5 of Alice Dreger’s Hermaphrodites and the Medical Invention of Sex which is available at our bookshelf, or go to our FAQ called What’s the history behind the intersex rights movement?.

One more thing: While some intersex people seek to reclaim the word “hermaphrodite” with pride to reference themselves (much like the words “dyke” and “queer” have been reclaimed by LBGT people), we’ve learned over the years it is best generally avoided, since the political subtlety is lost on a lot of people."
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  Jase on Mon Mar 02, 2009 1:42 am

...Well, since you both clearly know far more on the topic than I do, it'd be pointless for me to make the slightest attempt to defend, prove, or even discuss my point. xD
I was really only using them as better terms than "shemales". It's not a side of things that's affected me in the slightest, or that I'm all that interested in; so I just... haven't looked into it, I guess? Therefore, not much knowledge on it.
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  ReiDavidson on Mon Mar 02, 2009 11:43 am

Sorry, I didn't mean to get all lesbian gungho on ya there. I advocate intersexed rights. <.<;;
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  Joneko on Mon Mar 02, 2009 3:36 pm

*blinks* Actually, I wasn't sure of the difference so I looked it up and shared. I just thought it was interesting. >.>;
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  Jase on Tue Mar 03, 2009 4:26 am

ReiDavidson wrote:Sorry, I didn't mean to get all lesbian gungho on ya there. I advocate intersexed rights. <.<;;
xD It's fine as long as you don't get angry for people for using the wrong terms- that'd be about on par with me getting angry at people for saying transgender if they mean transvestite, etc. What people mean is more important than how they say it; and not everyone remembers the right term for the right situation etc.
...Yeah. >.>
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  ReiDavidson on Tue Mar 03, 2009 11:15 am

Oh no no, not mad. But I thought I'd say. I don't really get mad.

*hears Joneko scoff*

<.<;;

Well I don't get mad about stuff like this. I was thinking about it more as informing than berating.

BTW, I like your new icon!
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  Jase on Tue Mar 03, 2009 1:40 pm

Haha, thanks, I figured it was about time I uploaded one, and I like that photo, so... Yeah.
It was that or a picture of an OC. ^_^
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  Joneko on Tue Mar 03, 2009 2:18 pm

ReiDavidson wrote:Oh no no, not mad. But I thought I'd say. I don't really get mad.

*hears Joneko scoff*

<.<;;

Well I don't get mad about stuff like this. I was thinking about it more as informing than berating.

BTW, I like your new icon!

I didn't scoff.

I went "HA. HAHA. LLLLIAR."

...I guess I scoffed.

And yus, your picture is quite the cute one! (But nobody better expect any real photo of an avatar out of me.)

Rei just gets passionate about informing. I apologize if I came off as something bad, I really did just find it interesting. I then perused the rest of the site. It's actually *very* interesting stuff if you ever want to get some recreational reading in. But that's coming from the...fingers?...of someone who's always been fascinated with gender norms, nonconformist gender roles, etc.

After all -- gender in itself is in large part a social construct (not sex, not talking biology, this is where people ream me!). Society is the one saying you're either male or female as one extreme or the other. But I mean...our current western gender constructs are based on the idea of a binary gender -- and a binary set of sexes! Which...there isn't!
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  curlpop on Sat Mar 14, 2009 7:11 pm

It's a pretty touchy subject, but if you do happen to meet someone, be honest about yourself. Even if you won't be intimate. You could try and find prospective partners that are going through the same transition as you are?

I've always been fascinated with transgendered and transexual people in relationships , I'd really like to know about the other issues you face! Good luck!
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  Jase on Sun Mar 15, 2009 2:46 pm

Jase wrote:
imair wrote: Up until recently I was in a really nice relationship, which ended because he wouldn't see/treat me as a guy, and insisted that I was really a girl all the time. Since we broke up, he's actually tried to understand a bit more and is OK now.
...Okay, my "ex" wasn't this bad- but he couldn't deal with the gender side of things, and of my becoming a man. Likewise, though, once we broke up he made a real effort to get used to it.
Different ending, though- he made a genuine effort to patch things up and make up for when he wasn't there for me because he couldn't handle it; and told me that he'd realised that I'd still be the person he fell in love with nearly six years ago, regardless of my gender. I thought about it and agreed a couple of days ago that we'd give things another go- I don't know if it'll work out, but there's only one way to find out.

So although it's no longer an issue for me, I'd like the topic to stay active, since I'm not the only one on the forum in this boat (hi imair, by the way) and it's definately something worth discussing, I feel.
xP
As for the other issues- well, reading through this entire thread might give you some idea.
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  imair on Sun Mar 15, 2009 5:36 pm

Heh, it's interesting to watch how the topic kinda meanders around Smile Jase, I hope things are working out for you, I'm kinda hoping for something similar once he gets more used to the whole me being a guy thing. Just a waiting game for now, I guess, try and get on with life and all that.

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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  greven on Sun Mar 15, 2009 5:56 pm

The topics on this forum does have a tendensy to do that, and I doubt I am doing much to keep things on topic Very Happy
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Re: Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  ladyfirst2010 on Tue Apr 13, 2010 3:31 am

One of my friends, she's a girl and she's straight and she loves pretty guys. The prettier the better. But she's tried girls and its not for her. It's guys, it's the weirdest thing.


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Relationships as a pre-op transgender

Post  raj on Fri Apr 16, 2010 12:32 am

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