I just dont know.

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I just dont know.

Post  greven on Fri Feb 27, 2009 3:25 pm

This is hard to write but it is actually something I have been wondering about for a while, and something I have been afraid to put into writing and make ”real”.
The truth is… I don’t really know anymore.

I have never really known any gay people, I was raised by my parents who are barely ever home as they are busy with stuff left and right. We live on a farm pretty far from anything resembling a city, and with my parents always busy I never really gained many strong emotional connections. Even today at the age of 19 I am having a hard time being together with people for a longer period of time, sleeping over with a friend for an entire weekend was something I did for the first time sometime this fall. Before that I have never stayed at a friend’s house longer than 24 hours. I am intelligent no doubt about that, but I am also emotionally handicapped.
My parents never gave me “the talk” and pretty much all I know about sexuality I know through my brother, I was almost 16 before I even heard about jacking off.
My brother have left the family home now and is living with his girlfriend now, they are studying settling down and all that stuff, and I am expected to do the same thing. My mother is talking about it now and then, how no one is meant to be alone, and I should find a girlfriend. Being gay have never even been an option, that was something they did in the city for whatever reason, and I first heard about it from a friend of mine, being gay is strange in the eyes of my parents, they are not homophobes in any way but they just can’t figure out why the gay are gay.

I got my first real girlfriend January last year, in other words, at the age of 18 I kissed for the first time in my life. You want to hear the real sad part? I didn’t even want to, I felt I had to, I felt that generations of couples were forcing me as the man in the relationship to kiss her. And so I did kiss her, and for a while I felt good, I had achieved what I was expected to do and I was relieved. But it never really felt right, so I broke it up after a few months.

Many of my friends are these days either settling down with a girl or eyeballing at every hot girl in state. This got me thinking about something, I cannot for the life of me remember once in my life where I have looked at a girl and thought: she is hot.
I have never been standing at a bus stop checking out the girls, shit I have never even considered doing so. I have never checked out “hot girls” on the fly, I have never thought about it before one of my friends told started pointing out hot girls the other day, and I found that I didn’t really care about them.
I don’t know how to explain this, but I don’t think I have ever been interested in the looks of girls, or guys for that matter.

But… I just don’t know.

I have spent a lot of time in here explaining how I am straight, and I have even made jokes about how maybe I was just trying to convince myself that this was true. But the thing is, maybe I am, or maybe I am just subconsciously trying to save myself from disappointment. Maybe that is it, I am not exactly a looker, not exactly funny to anyone who doesn’t have the same interests as me, not exactly “packing” anything bigger than a LEGO guy, and hell it is a technicality that cuts me out of the virgin league.

I think it may be as they say, a smart brain kills the soul, so maybe I am just overanalyzing everything. It is just that… talking to you here have made me realize what I already knew, there is no gay-dar to tell who likes who, there is no stereotypical GLBT, you are just normal people, just like the rest of… us…?
I just… I don’t know. I am confused and scared to tell you the truth. I don’t know if I like girls, but I don’t think I like boys either, I mean I have never looked at them that way so… I don’t know… But what if I don’t like any of them? or what if I end up sad and lonely because I analysed too much, or feared too much? I don’t think I have ever been this confused in my life, and I am having a hard time dealing with this. I cant concentrate or anything, I hardly eat at the time, and I have no one to talk to about this. I cant talk to my parents because I never had anything resembling a bond with them, and I only have one friend I can talk feelings with and I don’t think he would understand what I am trying to say.

I don’t even know what brought me to this forum, I don’t know why I am here, I don’t know why I have been checking it class, as if I wanted someone to confront me with it and ask the question I don’t dare ask myself.

I am sorry to bother you with all this, but I just don’t have anyone to talk to… I feel alone, and hell that is most likely my fault. But I have been raised with the words take care of your own business, and asking for help is something I pretty much never do. Because Dad is fighting with the farm and he doesn’t have time to hear your complaints, and mom is on fyn in some big business meeting and she doesn’t seem to give a fuck.

I… I don’t know if I am coming back to this forum after today.
Contrary to what it might seem, I am not looking for pity, I just… I needed to tell this, I don’t care if you read it or not. I don’t care if you care, I just needed to write this, and now I need some time to figure out what I feel. Maybe I will be back in a few days, maybe you wont see me here again at all.

I just don’t know anything right now.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  Fly Hue on Fri Feb 27, 2009 4:36 pm

Well, there may be a scientific explanation for this.

You brought up that you had liked a girl for a long time, right? So have I, and I've basically found myself unable to look at other people. I've really TRIED to too. My theory for when I like someone is to keep one eye on them but keep the other eye open for new opportunities, but I find myself in my current situation UNABLE to keep the other eye open.

Anyhow, getting to the science stuff... You and I might both be experiencing the same phenomena that has been discovered in humans only in recent years that shows that the longer a human being likes/loves/is in a relation ship with someone, the more likely they are to stop receiving certain chemicals in the brain that compels a person to search for a mate, because, in theory, that need has already been met so that the instinct to mate no longer has to be enforced. Does that make sense? Nature is telling you that you don't need to reproduce because your body is being told by the 'love' chemicals that your brain is receiving that you've already found a mate to reproduce with.

That's one theory for you at least.

Another is that some people are simply late bloomers in love. I'd be one of those people. I've never been in a relationship, on a date, kissed, sex, whatever, I haven't done any of it. But you usually hear that these people start progressing and have had a decent experience by the time they're like... 25 or whatever. You're young, I'm young, we shouldn't need to worry about that yet and just let our lives run their course.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  Emilyelizabethx on Fri Feb 27, 2009 5:55 pm

Confusion confusion! Being smart has nothing to do with it Smile Some people end up more confused than others.
Perhaps you are asexual? Or pansexual? Or maybe you're just developing late emotionally and sexually. It happens. Everyone is different.
Perghaps its best just to calm down and take a breather. There is more to life, and life should be an enjoyable thing Smile
I do hope you come back. I enjoy your posts.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  ReiDavidson on Sat Feb 28, 2009 12:02 pm

Nooo Greven, come baaack! ;_;

Greven I have to say, from experience, some people have stronger sexual awakenings than others. Some people have them sooner than others. I know a lot of people who when they were eighteen said they were afraid of sex and would never have it and are now getting married and sexually active. Everyone has their time and their place. Everyone has something.

Unless you're asexual but even then, there's a time you'll realize that if you are.

I can't tell you if you're gay or straight, a sexual or bisexual, or pansexual. But I know no matter what you are, you are still you. Your sexuality is about as important as your eye color or your hair color. its society who places importance on it.

So don't despair. Take your time. Figure stuff out. You'll be okay no matter what the answer is. There is no rush to say your one way or the other.

And we don't want you to leave. *sniff*
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  Fly Hue on Sat Feb 28, 2009 5:22 pm

And even if you are asexual, that doesn't mean you can't find love. There are special groups that confirmed asexuals can meet at, discuss their sexualities, and fall in love with the mutual understanding that there isn't going to be sex. And even then, those people sometimes become so close they are able to discover a sexuality within themselves and pursue it when they feel ready.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  Jase on Sun Mar 01, 2009 4:34 am

Mmkay, I'm going to quickly tell you about my partner.

Now, up until he was 22, he had never had a girlfriend. Never had a love interest. Never kissed or did anything with any girl (or guy!) at all- and didn't want to, apart from one crush.
Then he met a girl who was 16. (Sounds dodgy, I know, bear with me. xD) He fell in love (and so did she) but neither of them did anything about it, for various reasons ranging from shyness to concerns over the age.
Then she disappeared, and for four years, she was still the only woman for him. He never looked at another woman; never dated, never did anything with anyone romantically.
Then she came back, and everything was still there between them; they got a house together, settled down, etc. (Then a few years later she came out as a man and things went tits up. xD)
My point is, he was 22 before he started truly feeling for a woman; he was 27 when he had his first kiss, lost his virginity, everything. So it DOES happen and you're not a freak for it- honestly.

Just... don't worry about it, really. You'll fall in love at some point; and for most people, that's all it takes for everything to come out. (Sexuality, etc.) I'd recommend just keeping an open mind- and living your life without worrying about it.
...And don't disappear on us. xP
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  tara on Sun Mar 01, 2009 6:29 am

Don't go! I would miss you.

This is completely normal. I'm in the same boat. I'm 27 and can say, with clear certainty, that I have never been in love. I'm not terribly ugly, have a libido. But I've never been in what could call a 'normal' relationship. I don't really check out people, I don't go around thinking I want to get with anyone. When people ask me "do you have a boyfriend?" I have to say, "Nope, I'm too busy." I have no idea what the hell my sexuality is, so I just go with bisexual, since it seems to be the closest. I keep thinking I have to be with someone to be happy, and that I must be missing out on something, but there must be more to life than that. I think the reasons I am unhappy are more to do with myself than being alone. (And seriously, 'being happy' is SO overrated. You'll always find something to be unhappy about whether you are with someone or not). And I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact.

I figure if I find someone I want to be with, then I'll be with them. THAT is the point of human companionship. You don't want to be with someone because it is 'required' you want to be with someone BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE. It's just that human society somehow felt the need to introduce 'marriages' and 'couples' and 'rules' in order to control the uncontrollable and because of this we feel we NEED to be with someone. When really, if you make a mental, physical connection with someone and want to fart next to each other in bed for the rest of your lives, then that's your business.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  greven on Sun Mar 01, 2009 11:20 am

Soooo I am back I guess.
It feels kind of awkward writing here again; after all I had pretty much decided that my last post in here should be the one starting thread.
I took the weekend off, cancelled the few arrangements I had, just did nothing but gaming and a bit of writing, basicly just trying to get out of the emotional valley I was in.
I was really far down actually; I can’t remember the last time I allowed my personal problems to change how I acted in public, even my blind as fuck parents noticed that something was wrong. They thought I wasn’t sleeping enough, and when I said that wasn’t it they assumed I was sick of some sort, they never even considered that I might not be feeling well in any other way than physically, god I hate them sometimes. But maybe that is my fault for always seeming happy.

But anyway I took some time off to get my mind back on track. Nothing revealed itself in a flash of light, or anything since this is not the bible or your nearest fantasy novel. But I have however spent the time figuring out what I should have known from the very start.
From the very beginning I have been championing the fact that your sexuality doesn’t define who you are. But in the end I couldn’t even figure out that it counted for me as well. I still don’t know “what is going on” but I have finally figured out that I can’t let it control who I am or how I live my life. If I am gay then okay, if I am straight then okay, if I am something else then I guess I will figure that out as well.

For now I will be taking things easy, reading your responses has led me to realize that I just need to let things run their course and I will see where I end up. I have no illusions of this becoming a trip down easy street, but who knows, maybe I will end up at the path of enlightenment and maybe that road will lead me to the lovers lane.
Yeah that was cliché and dumb I know.

I wanted this post to express my gratitude towards you all for helping me through this, but it ended up as a bunch of weird stuff and failed attempts of being funny or clever.
I must admit that I checked in here, without logging in to check your comments and they really cheered me up and helped me calm down. Thank you all for this, I have a feeling I won’t be leaving any time soon.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  ReiDavidson on Sun Mar 01, 2009 11:24 am

woot! *cling*

You'll be okay. I love you
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  Joneko on Sun Mar 01, 2009 6:31 pm

I'm so glad you're back! I would miss you if you'd really gone. (Actually I missed you a little when you HAD gone!) I'm glad that you figured out that -- like so many of us have had to figure out here, I'm sure -- you need to stop trying to figure it out so hard. Let things come as they come.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  Jase on Mon Mar 02, 2009 1:38 am

Greven- I'm glad you decided against leaving, and that you feel better.
Everyone feels down from time to time- but although you say the realisation didn't come in a "flash of light" (and no resounding boom, either, I assume) it's a big realisation- one that many people miss- and hopefully it'll help a lot.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  greven on Mon Mar 02, 2009 2:06 am

Jase wrote:Greven- I'm glad you decided against leaving, and that you feel better.
Everyone feels down from time to time- but although you say the realisation didn't come in a "flash of light" (and no resounding boom, either, I assume) it's a big realisation- one that many people miss- and hopefully it'll help a lot.

The realisation I talk about not apearing in a flash of light is: "OH! I guess I am gay/straight/whatever."
I did however have angles come down from the sky as I realized that I shouldnt let it control my life. I gotta say all those half naked feathery fellows creeped me out a bit since I was trying to sleep at the time.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  Jase on Mon Mar 02, 2009 3:55 am

Yeah, the not letting it control your life is what I was talking about. xD

...Wow, angles, really? Obtuse or acute? xD (You meant angels, although the idea of various angles with wings is interesting.)
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  ReiDavidson on Mon Mar 02, 2009 11:45 am

XD I don't think English is Greven's first language, is it? (I have to wonder though because you do type it really well if its not)
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  greven on Mon Mar 02, 2009 12:14 pm

No I meant Angles, I tell you the bibel had a terrible spell checker.

I nailed a picture of one of them too. here you go.

This is so not fake.

And no, I dont have the slightest Idea of where I am going with this.


No english isnt my first language, I am from Denmark, but the Angle/Angel was just stupid on my end.
But I believe I have a pretty good grasp on your language.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  Joneko on Mon Mar 02, 2009 2:06 pm

You have a really good command of English -- you should be proud that people have to ask if it's your first language or not. :p
I had a good friend in college whose family was from Denmark. His mother was actually my English professor. Their accents were so great. X3 Can you speak it as well? (I know that's probably a weird question, but I know when I was learning languages, it was sometimes easy for me to read and write but I couldn't speak it much at all.)
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  greven on Mon Mar 02, 2009 2:38 pm

Joneko wrote:You have a really good command of English -- you should be proud that people have to ask if it's your first language or not. :p
I had a good friend in college whose family was from Denmark. His mother was actually my English professor. Their accents were so great. X3 Can you speak it as well? (I know that's probably a weird question, but I know when I was learning languages, it was sometimes easy for me to read and write but I couldn't speak it much at all.)

I speak english about as well as I read/write it (this cat read Harry Potter 6 and 7 and only had to look up a total of 3 words, all turned out to be nonsence magic words, now THAT is skillz (Yeah with a Z you got a problem with that!)), in fact me and a friend of mine, called steffen, will switch back and fourth between english and danish in conversations without even noticing. I think we are talking more english than danish when push comes to shove it. I am not even just trying to make myself sound cool here... I am currently working on a vid where I will need to do some english voice over, when I get it done you can just listen. Smile

I might need some help with that btw, but I will bring that up again if I need it Smile
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  ReiDavidson on Mon Mar 02, 2009 3:03 pm

How'd you learn english? Is it required learning?
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  greven on Mon Mar 02, 2009 3:34 pm

ReiDavidson wrote:How'd you learn english? Is it required learning?

Well we learn english in school from age 10 or something, but that never helped me.
I got through the Banjo Kazui at the age of 8, to the uninformed that means that i went up against a witch in a fucking trivia board game that could result in instant kills, this was in english. I learned english through video games, I could understand the dialoge in my games before I started english in school no shit.

Video games made me smart Very Happy
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  greven on Mon Mar 02, 2009 5:25 pm

so completely back on topic here for a sec.

I just kind of told one of my bests friends that I wasnt sure about the whole sexuality thing.
It was okay, he assured me that he would still be there and all that, I already knew that but it was still nice to hear.
He never really understood what my problem was, he kept going back and talking about masturbation, something I find to have very little importance to my problem.

I dont know if I am happy I told him... its like I know that the next time I speak with him, write with him or whatever, I am going to watch his every step to see if he says something that could be even the slightest of hints to me being gay. I know he wont, but I also know myself well enough to know that I am paranoid. Anyway, I told him not to mention it to anyone at all, whether or not he can keep that I dont know, last time I told his girlfriend something personal he found out pretty quickly, but I hope he can keep it a secret, even if he is only going to tells it to "help me" I dont want him to. I have told him I need to do things my speed, and that he shouldnt bring it up unless I do.

I am so fucking scared of becomming the gender confused guy, I know my friends wont treat me that way, but I have seen people go from individuals to "a gay guy" before and I dont want that to happen to me. The teenage years suck.

I just wanted to say that I guess. Back to off topic or whatever.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  Joneko on Mon Mar 02, 2009 6:02 pm

I think that, as long as you remain as thoughtful as everything as you are, it would be impossible for you to become a cookie-cutter personality.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  greven on Mon Mar 02, 2009 6:09 pm

Joneko wrote:I think that, as long as you remain as thoughtful as everything as you are, it would be impossible for you to become a cookie-cutter personality.

What is a cookie cutter personality?
I am good at english, but not a native, I dont get your wierd sayings sometimes.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  Joneko on Mon Mar 02, 2009 6:18 pm

You said you'd seen individuals become "the gay guy," so I thought you might have meant they become a stereotype of "the gay guy" as opposed to the person they used to be. But I may have misunderstood.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  greven on Tue Mar 03, 2009 12:14 am

I am not afraid of becomming the stereotypical gay guy (I am anything but the metrosexual male that everyone thinks is gay) I am afraid of people assuming that I am, and therefore not getting to know the real me.
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Re: I just dont know.

Post  Jase on Tue Mar 03, 2009 4:37 am

ReiDavidson wrote:XD I don't think English is Greven's first language, is it? (I have to wonder though because you do type it really well if its not)
Doesn't mean I can't tease him, as long as it's supposed to be friendly. Wink Which it was. And which he seemed to get. (Hilarious picture, by the way. xD)

As for the "cookie cutter" personality- basically, think of all stereotypes as being a cookie cutter (like, the shapes you use in baking, yes?) and cutting out people all into the exact same shape. That's sort of what the saying means- if I even made sense? xD
As for being the "gender confused guy" and no longer being an individual- as long as you do things because YOU want to, and just be yourself, no matter what your sexuality, no matter how long you spend confused, you'll still be you. As long as the focus of your life, and your friendships, isn't your confusion it won't be what defines you. People will always think of you by remembering what they see most of you- and if that's your individuality, that's how they'll think of you.

...Today, I make no sense. x_x Sorry.
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