Heartbreak

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Heartbreak

Post  Avie on Sat Mar 14, 2009 2:06 am

How does one deal with betrayal ? Any helpful tips ? Can anyone suggest something I haven't heard before ? pale
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  Ulrika on Sat Mar 14, 2009 3:27 am

oh shit! First of all hugs to you. Secondly, I don't think I could write here anything you've never heard before... Well, it's nothing new, but in my case it's always occupying myself with something that help the most. Trying to be as busy as I can, also meeting with friends to be able to cheer up somehow and cry on their arms and especially time. Time heals everything. Also getting rid of or hiding anyting that would remind you about that sad thing can also help. I know it hurt as hell and at this time nothing might help but it will eventually be better. Go out often, spend te time with those who love you and take care of yourself. Big hugs!
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  tara on Sat Mar 14, 2009 4:58 am

Aw man! I'm sorry to hear that ...

I guess the obvious answer is: friends. Another good answer is: chocolate ice cream.

Just try to be realistic... don't expect that you'll get over it any time soon, and don't feel bad if it takes you a long time to trust people again. "Time heals all wounds", pfft. My experience is: NOT REALLY. Forgetting is not an option, you are going to be pissed off, you are going to be sad, etc.etc. just feel these emotions, feel human, feel a bit lost, and know that that's normal and okay.

Maybe write things down? As if you were to send this person an evil, eye-searing letter? With paper and pen? Perhaps the physical act of it will help you. Oh yeah! Work out. Bust that stress out. If you aren't lazy.
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  greven on Sat Mar 14, 2009 5:26 am

Write it all down. That helps for me.

Take your intire relationship and put it into wrighting, from the moment you first fell in love with him/her up to now. Put everything on paper, the good times the bad times, all of it. It doesnt matter if you show it to anyone, but you have to acknowledge that you were with this person, you cant deny it and you shouldnt.

Just wrigting it down can really help if you are shy too because you dont have to spill your heart out to anyone but yourself if you are not comfotable with talking to people about it.
If you want to talk about it but doesnt want toput stress on your friends then I recommend a forum post, not nessesarily here. But just talking to someone online can really help, it is someone you dont have to meet on a day to day basis so you dont have to look someone in the eyes who knows all your problems.

Trust me: if you choose to talk to us about it we will do everything we can to help you, but we understand if you have somewhere else where you want to post it, or if you dont want to post it at all. Just... make sure you get things on paper, it really helps when you have to get over stuff like this.
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  Emilyelizabethx on Sat Mar 14, 2009 6:02 am

Aw, I'm really sorry to hear that! *major hugs* if you ever want to talk, I'm here!

The way I deal with it is just to move on from it completely. Try to seperate yourself from it and view it with a cool, critical eye. Indulge in some 'you' time, watch films, cry, get it all out of your system, and then immediately move on from it. Don't allow yourself to think about them. Just concentrate on yourself and your loved ones and what you like doing. Because if they have broken your heart, they seriously don't deserve a second of your time. They don't even deserve to be remembered when you look back on your life.

Its hard, and the next few weeks will be painful, but you'll gradually move on and things will get easier. I promise you, things will get better. Soon you'll see that they really really aren't worth it at all, and wonder what you saw in them!
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  Avie on Sat Mar 14, 2009 9:11 am

Wow thanks for the input guys, I feel special now.
For the sake of just talking about it or just writing it down ..I will say a little bit about it.
I have a repression problem. I don't know when it started and how to end it but the last time I literally cried was a year and a half ago. Anything that angers or saddens me somehow turns into a little box that I hide away without examining it.

In the past, I have been betrayed by plenty women. Somehow this kind of thing keeps happening to me and I am all too shock right now to describe it. Either they cheated on me or lied to me for their self-satisfaction or turned to be one of those women that "jump the fence" out of curiousity (articulating their own sexuality).
1. One lied about being raped to get me to pity her. And she had sex with a guy during the course of our relationship.
2 Another lied to basically "keep me around for another option." Unfortunately I didn't find out until she had a boyfriend all along..she's pregnant now by the way.
3. Another cheated on me with two men. I found this out by discovering pictures sent to me by email.
4. Another broke my heart three times in a row while playing "Hey- I -Like-You-Oh-Wait-I'll-Date-This-Guy-Instead-But-I'll-Keep-You-Around" game.

And now. This woman, let's name her Andrea. We met by her answering my ad. Things were going smoothly but with a little complication wtih communication. One day things were okay and then the next, she acted weird and ignored me. Finally she said "I can't be in a relationship right now." IRONICALLY ENOUGH, my good friend tried to place an ad up for the sake of seeing the possibilities. Guess who answered it. Andrea.
My head is swimming. I feel like I'm going to vomit.
My friend, angered by the coincedence decided to catch her at it and questioned her.
Andrea's big defense was "I don't know what you're talking about" and then finally she was like "Idk what to say."

I'm just retaining all of these horrible feelings and it's bad for me, I know. I can't believe it happened to me again. I want to scream my head off but I can't seem to open my mouth.
In the end, these things seem to always happen and I shut down completely. I am an overly sensitve person and I suppose I trust too much.
I wish I can cry right now. Bah.
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  Emilyelizabethx on Sat Mar 14, 2009 9:44 am

Avie wrote:Wow thanks for the input guys, I feel special now.
For the sake of just talking about it or just writing it down ..I will say a little bit about it.
I have a repression problem. I don't know when it started and how to end it but the last time I literally cried was a year and a half ago. Anything that angers or saddens me somehow turns into a little box that I hide away without examining it.

In the past, I have been betrayed by plenty women. Somehow this kind of thing keeps happening to me and I am all too shock right now to describe it. Either they cheated on me or lied to me for their self-satisfaction or turned to be one of those women that "jump the fence" out of curiousity (articulating their own sexuality).
1. One lied about being raped to get me to pity her. And she had sex with a guy during the course of our relationship.
2 Another lied to basically "keep me around for another option." Unfortunately I didn't find out until she had a boyfriend all along..she's pregnant now by the way.
3. Another cheated on me with two men. I found this out by discovering pictures sent to me by email.
4. Another broke my heart three times in a row while playing "Hey- I -Like-You-Oh-Wait-I'll-Date-This-Guy-Instead-But-I'll-Keep-You-Around" game.

And now. This woman, let's name her Andrea. We met by her answering my ad. Things were going smoothly but with a little complication wtih communication. One day things were okay and then the next, she acted weird and ignored me. Finally she said "I can't be in a relationship right now." IRONICALLY ENOUGH, my good friend tried to place an ad up for the sake of seeing the possibilities. Guess who answered it. Andrea.
My head is swimming. I feel like I'm going to vomit.
My friend, angered by the coincedence decided to catch her at it and questioned her.
Andrea's big defense was "I don't know what you're talking about" and then finally she was like "Idk what to say."

I'm just retaining all of these horrible feelings and it's bad for me, I know. I can't believe it happened to me again. I want to scream my head off but I can't seem to open my mouth.
In the end, these things seem to always happen and I shut down completely. I am an overly sensitve person and I suppose I trust too much.
I wish I can cry right now. Bah.

That sounds horrible! I'm sorry to hear you've had such unfortunate luck with love. I hope things look up for you soon.
I used to be the same. Its very unhealthy, repressing such strong emotions. Try and find an outlet. This can be anything from sport to art and recreation. If you lock feelings up they will not go away. They will get more and more painful if left unfaced, and possibly explode. I know this from experience. Talking sometimes doesn't help either, which is why you need something active.
I really hope you find happiness soon. That girl sounds like a total waste of space. :hugs:
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  greven on Sat Mar 14, 2009 11:45 am

I know the problem of locking your feelings away, I have done so for many years. It wasnt able to talk about my feelings till, well till I joined here.

I also have the problem of not crying, I simply cant do so. What I do is that I cry on paper, I cry through the people I write about. I dont know if you can do something like that, but it helps me.

I am really sorry about taht the people you have been with have been such idiots. As lame as it sounds I think that you will find someone right for you at some point. It is just a questions of when and who. We are a lot of people in here who are still looking for love, or recovering just like you are. We know it can be hard to talk about, but if you want to talk, when you are ready to talk, then we are here for you.

I hope you are more lucky in the future Smile
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  Jase on Sat Mar 14, 2009 11:46 am

In the case of "Andrea" it could be she didn't think things were right and wanted to say something which wouldn't hurt you too much. Of course, she could also be playing the field- but don't assume she was actively being callous and cruel.

As for your feelings in general- let them out. Actively explore all your bottled emotions and make sure they all come out. Bottling is bad and can (and usually does) lead to a breakdown later.
As for how to explore them- writing, meditation, just finding things which make you face them- it depends on the inidividual. But I'd say it's not trying to deal with heartbreak you need to do right now- it's trying to stop bottling and deal with everything you've already bottled.
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  Avie on Sat Mar 14, 2009 11:54 am

You guys are awesome. Thank you. Anything in additional would be helpful.
I will try your helpful advice.
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  ReiDavidson on Sat Mar 14, 2009 12:57 pm

*snuggles Avie* Look at it this way, sweetie. You could have been broken up with now or lead on for a long time to come. I know it hurts, but it's better sooner than later.

One of the stupidest things you can say is "I don't want to be in a relationship right now" and then immediately get in one. That's just trying to make the break up easy and it's weak and it's wrong to do or say. If she wasn't feeling chemistry, I think it's better to say "this isn't right" than say "I don't want to be with anyone" and then go find someone else.

I'm a big believer in karma. I believe that the more life kicks you in the ass, the more happy you will be later. So I don't doubt that someday you will find someone amazing.

In the meantime... I wouldn't do ads unless you really want to. They never work out the way you'd want. It's best to meet people naturally and without the expectation of "oh, we might be in a relationship."

As for dealing with it... Go out and do things that remind you why you don't need her. Go do something you're good at. Go do something your maybe bad at but love to do anyway. Go do non-romance related things. Make yourself happy for a day and remind yourself that you can be happy without someone like that and that someday you hope to be happy with someone not like that.

And most of all, remember, you'll be okay. I love you
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  Fly Hue on Sat Mar 14, 2009 6:34 pm

My first suggestion is music, not ordinary music, I mean the genres that don't even bother with love that much in the first place and just focus on having a wild time like Funk and some nice Hair Metal. X) Or whatever suits your fancy, as long as it's music that enforces the belief that "I am strong. I love my friends, but I can handle on my own. I am beautiful. I am bad ass. I can laugh at myself."
That, and work. Clean your room, or house, or whatever. Give yourself an environment that won't drag you down. Make find a personal project or dig up an old one that you set aside and put all your focus into it. Writing can be useful, but it's not steady ground. You need to be careful when you write because it can suck you into self-pity, which is bad. Get out of the house. Call up some friends that you can rely one, if you're lucky enough to have those, and drag them out to the park or shopping or one another's houses.

The key thing is distract yourself. Force yourself into REALLY, PHYSICALLY realizing that there is more to life than dating and love and whatever. Build yourself a positive atmosphere, and -as crazy as it might seem- your problems will wither away and forget about you, and you'll wonder why they were such a big deal in the first place.
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  Elmoslayer on Tue Mar 17, 2009 1:25 pm

Okay, I'll admit it. I can be a bottler. I find it quite hard to talk about my feelings to anyone, unless I really trust them, so even talking on here is a bit strange for me. Smile

When I bottle thigs up it works for a while, but then I find myself starting to let it out in ways that are....less that helpful. To name but a few: Massively comfort eating, with my record being nine chocolate bars in a row *le gasp*, throwing chairs accross the the room, and generally taking it out on other people.

All this just made me feel worse! So then I started thinking. I was heartbroken, had been made to feel worthless and allover a bit rubbish. I would never have wished the way I was feeling on anyone else, but with how I was acting, I was actually making people feel a bit rubbish. (what a no brainer, but I can be selectively thick)

OKAY OKAY I'm actually getting to the point now. So my perfect recipe for easing heartbreak is to make people feel the opposite of how you feel. I felt worthless, so I made a pont of making the people I cared about feel special. I was depressed, so when I saw other people being sad, I tried my damndest to make them happy. And so on and so on. The great part was I got a warm cuddly feeling from making other people feel good, and it helped me realise what other great stuff I had in my life.

Well, it worked for me anyway. Smile

You honestly didn't deserve all thats happened to you, so just take it easy for a bit, k? Everything fades with time.

Hugs from me and my cat. (on the desk, blocking the screen. thanks a lot, lol)

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Re: Heartbreak

Post  Avie on Tue Mar 17, 2009 1:35 pm

Thanks emoslayer,that makes sense. I am the type of person that is the "giver." I get the satisfaction of seeing other people happy and sometimes I just make everything about making that person happy.
Thanks again !
Ps. Hugs from me and my cat too.
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  greven on Tue Mar 17, 2009 1:53 pm

Here is a strange advise that I kind of keep to myself most of the time as I dont think it works for all.

Find a weekend where you have no plans and make sure to keep it that way. What I do is that I take the first day and do one thing: Indulge in self pity. Feel the world hates you, curse god, curse everyone and everything for one day. It will be a terrible day, and that is for sure, but when you wake up sonday you will realize just how foolish it is and you will get better all day, a day that should be spend doing all the things you like, watch your fav movies, play some games call your friend, do everything you lie to do.
When you have done this you will have gone from rock button to the peak of life, so what is the point? Well: this brings me realization of one thing: You can get through EVERYTHING. The human race have survived everthing from Ice ages, to firestorms, of course you can survive a broken heart, your very DNA proves this fact.
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  Fly Hue on Tue Mar 17, 2009 4:29 pm

O~h! I love that wake up the day after a really stupid day feeling! -no sarcasm, no really!-
Except that I've never done it on purpose! That's a new one!! ^^;;
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Re: Heartbreak

Post  Guest on Fri Apr 17, 2009 6:20 pm

Ok, I'm late in posting this, I see, but I just wanted to offer words of encouragement because we've all been there. I agree with a lot of what's been posted here. After breakups, I've felt really depressed and sometimes what can help is a change of scenery. Just for the weekend or whatever, get in your car and by yourself or with friends, go somewhere that you just love and enjoy yourself. Treat yourself, pamper yourself because it's time to remember how great you really are and how someone missed out. I always told myself that cuz it's true and it should be true for you, too. Part of what helps you move on is building new memories and good memories that don't involve these people that don't matter. So the sooner you start taking care of you, I think the better you'll feel.

And I have tried online dating too. Sorry to say for the hopeful but it doesn't really work, in my opinion. Not that the girls i met weren't gay and weren't nice enough people but you can't manufacture the thing that is the initial attraction and spark. So looks like i'll have to go get my game on and go meet woman the old fashioned way! And rei did say it best: karma does have a way of working itself out. Very Happy

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Re: Heartbreak

Post  khaskhabar on Sun May 09, 2010 11:54 pm

Thanks for tips. You guys are awesome.

Thanks
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